DON’T BE LIKE KATE! HE FORGETS YOU? FORGET HIM!

No one could be more unforgettably gorgeous and stylish than starlet Kate Hudson – so why do her boyfriends keep forgetting about her?  Most recently, Hudson endured the indignity of being turned away from a VIP area because boyfriend Matt Bellamy – lead singer of Muse – “forgot” to put her name on the guest list.

A man who really likes a woman will not forget about her – will not forget to call when he said he would, will not forget he had a date with her, will not forget to put her name on a list, will not forget it’s Valentine’s Day, will not forget her birthday, will not forget her number…he will not forget!  But the man who’s not that into you?  He’ll forget – a clear red flag, and one once waved should be your signal to forget about him.  Cross him off your list.  Let him go.  Don’t agonize. In a word: Next!

Unfortunately, the 31-year-old actress has seemed to make something of a second career in ignoring such signals, falling fast and hard for her men, which in turn makes them take her for granted and feel suffocated by her.  The result: a string of very brief and bumpy flings.  And the pattern seems to be spiralling out of control, leading to increased public embarrassment, and certainly private heartache.

After a six year marriage to Chris Robinson (singer for The Black Crowes), she began an on-again-off-again relationship with Owen Wilson (one of the break-ups preceded his suicide attempt).  She moved on to date comedian Dax Shepard for a few months.  A summer romance with Lance Armstrong ended sadly when he dumped her.  Despite claiming she wanted to be single for as long as possible in December of ’08, she rushed headlong and hot and heavy into a relationship with NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez, which he ended after six months.

So, now she’s dating Bellamy, and if past is prologue, that will last for another few weeks or couple of months and then he’ll “need his space.”  Hudson could save herself precious time – and emotional tranquility – by reading the writing on the wall, or better yet, reading The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.   She could start right now, either practicing on Bellamy, or the next man who will surely be around the corner, with the following.

• Not acting like a groupie by flying around the globe to see his shows (she should let him come to her).
• Not flying off to meet his kids after only one date, as she did with Lance Armstrong.
• Not saying “I love you first” like she reportedly did with Lance Armstrong (kiss of death).
• Not moving in with men, as she did after dating Chris Robinson for just four days.
• Not inviting men you’re dating on a vacation – certainly not with your extended family – as she did with Dax Shepard, after dating only a couple weeks!

Fortunately, Kate’s got a full life, a wonderful son, a thriving career and a loving family – she should concentrate on being happy, busy, independent, and not so focused on the men in her life. Above all, she should stop chasing men – let them chase her until she catches them for good!

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SO…NOW I’M COACHING MEN! REALLY!

There have been many surprises since I became a Rules Dating Coach. I’ve been pleasantly shocked by just how powerful these techniques are – enabling me to help many lovelorn clients prompt a proposal from the men in their lives in a matter of weeks! Also surprising has been the hostility of some male readers to the simple advice I give women who are simply looking for a way to date with more self-esteem, and avoid needless heartache. Given that sometime hostility, the absolute BIGGEST surprise of all has been the number of straight, hetero men seeking out my coaching advice on how better to meet and date the woman of their dreams!

When I first started getting these requests for relationship coaching from men, I carefully explained that a) I coach women (not men), and b) I coach women in a very specific Rules-approach to dating. Moreover, this approach is premised upon the differences between men and women, and I focus on the feminine side of the equation. I refer the men to my blog, where all of this is spelled out in black and white (or at least fuchsia and lavender). Well, despite all this dissuading (or because of it? After all, that would be The Rules!) when my first male coaching client insisted that I give him a chance, I capitulated and signed him up for a monthly unlimited package.

The result of this experiment was yet another pleasant surprise: Despite my initial misgivings, I was thrilled by how much progress I was able to make with my newbie male client. Among our achievements: totally overhauling his OLD (online dating profile), creating a simplified e-mail “template” he could personalize and send out to prospects, role-playing lighter conversation for initial phone contacts and DZs (date zeroes), etc.

The other surprise, is that while The Rules is aimed at women – and based on the innate differences between the genders – there are a few rules that can benefit both men and women. Here are three that I feel have the most crossover application:

Rule #1: While “being a creature unlike any other” is unlikely to resonate with most men, the basic message of looking one’s best is something they really do need to hear. Men are more likely than women to discount their own looks as a factor in attracting the opposite sex, and specifically are more likely to overlook problems with excess weight. The difference is that the men I’ve coached are actually more sensitive than women about receiving advice on how to improve their appearance. I pull no punches with my female clients, telling them to do whatever they can to be as attractive as possible – lose weight, get highlights, extensions, implants, teeth-whitening, you name it! My male clients have much more fragile egos!

Rule #19: Don’t Open Up Too Fast. While men are much less likely to commit this error, there is a breed of guys who are unusually in touch with their feelings, and willing on a first or second date to share emotional intimacies about previous relationships, the details of their upbringing, or even the kind of woman they are looking for. While some male candor can be particularly appealing to women, sharing too much too soon can be a turnoff, regardless of your gender. Moreover, I tell men if they are doing too much of the talking – perhaps out of nervousness – they’re not doing much listening, and again, this is as true for men as for women.

Rule #30: Next! And Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection.  I am perfectly comfortable with the generalization that on the whole women tend to be more sensitive in relationships than are men. I don’t remember if it was either Sherrie Schneider or Ellen Fein (the two co-authors of The Rules) who once observed to me that “men recover quickly.” And in general, I absolutely agree that men recover from rejection more quickly than do women. But at the same time, there is a sensitivity spectrum for both genders – and just as there are some women who have such thick skins that they have less need for The Rules, there are also some men who have such relatively thin skins that they could probably benefit from those aspects of The Rules that focus on cultivating resilience. Chief among these is the importance of not getting so thrown by rejection – whether it’s the minor rejection of a woman not responding to your e-mail or a major rejection of a girlfriend breaking up with you – that your feelings of resentment begin to poison your perspective on romance in general.

I’m not sure whether I’ll continue this adventure in coaching men, but I do know that I’ve learned from, as well as helped, my male clients — and that in turn helps me be a better coach for my Rules Girls clients.

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YOU LIKE HIM? DON’T TEXT HIM!

Plenty of women would prefer a phone call over a text from guys they’re dating – yet they don’t realize a very simple method exists to getting less texts and more calls:  Don’t text him back.

I know, I know, such a suggestion will strike many as foolish or even insane in our text-addicted society, yet it really all goes back to incentives and human behavior.  What we reward, we get more of.  When you respond to texts you wish were phone calls, guess what you’ll get?  More texts.  Less calls.

You’ll also get more time wasters, and less serious contenders in your dating pool.  Why?  Because not texting men back is the ULTIMATE means of separating those who are really into you from those who are kinda, sorta, maybe-if-it’s-easy interested in you, at least until something better comes along.

Think about it.  If a guy who’s REALLY smitten with you texts you and doesn’t get a text back, what will happen?  He will pick up the phone and call.  It’s the same with you.  Let’s say you texted a colleague to confirm a sales meeting you were supposed to attend.  If you didn’t hear back, you wouldn’t just shrug it off and forget about it.  If it was important to you to get to the meeting to make your pitch, you’d call until you nailed things down.  Conversely, let’s say the meeting wasn’t that important, or it conflicted with another, better lead – sure, then maybe you’d let it go.

Same thing with dating.  The guy who truly wants to see you, may text initially, but if he doesn’t hear back, he’ll call.  Many women fear that if they don’t text back, they’ll lose a guy.  And, YES, you will shake off those with lukewarm interest in you, which is a very productive and time-efficient thing to do: You’ve avoided wasting time on and possibly getting hurt by Mr. Maybe.

Too many women think not texting back invites dating mishaps and disasters – but it actually PREVENTS such.  Example: An ex-boyfriend of mine, kind of on-again-off-again, was trying to get things “on again” with me, and had set up a dinner date with me by e-mail.  The day of the date, he texted me to confirm.  I didn’t text back.  The date didn’t happen.  Disaster – or disaster avoided?  Definitely the latter!  His lack of interest was WHY our relationship was always so difficult — or to use the common euphemism, “complicated.”  But finally, with non-texting, I was able to put an end to the whole stupid time-wasting nonsense.  It’s really, REALLY, not that complicated.

On the other hand, if he’s strongly attracted to you, he’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, make excuses for you – as in “Oh, she’s not a texter” or “Maybe she didn’t get my text.”  Indeed, as I’ve seen time and time again in my practice as a dating coach, if a contender is already starting out with a high level of interest in you, not texting back will pique – not dilute – that interest.

This is why the authors of The Rules, Ellen & Sherrie Schneider, encourage women to avoid texting.  They rightly point out that if you’re texting back and forth, you’re way too available.  There’s no mystery, no distance for him to pursue, if all he has to do it punch a keypad for you to respond.

That said, I know that for many even extremely practiced and disciplined Rules Girls, the “no texting” rule can be one of the most challenging to follow.   I hear the complaint all the time: “But we live in a texting world.  Everyone texts.”

But the fact that everyone – every girl, to be precise – does text is, perhaps, the strongest case for why YOU should not.  After all, Rule #1 is all about “Being a Creature Unlike Any Other.”  If every other creature out there is texting – and sexting – on a constant basis, what a simple, elegant way for you to separate yourself from the competition.  Take it to the bank, girls: If he really likes you, he WILL call you.  No exceptions.

Still having trouble resisting the lure of texting? Sign up for a free 10-minute consult at maliburulesgirl.com.

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Megan Fox’s TMI: Why Blabbermouth Beauties Need The Rules

On some level, Megan Fox knows she has a problem.  “I don’t want to have people get completely sick of me before I’ve ever even done something legitimate,” she recently conceded.  Yet this awareness isn’t enough to restrain her ongoing, seemingly compulsive need to divulge personal details – her previous relationship with a stripper, her bisexuality, her libido, drug usage, her “self-loathing” and other psychological issues:

“I am very vulnerable. But I can be aggressive, hurtful, domineering and selfish, too. I’m emotionally unpredictable and all over the place. I’m a control freak.”

While Megan Fox’s TMI has provoked a backlash – even a boycott, from some outlets – it sparked my attention, as such overly-intimate sharing is a self-defeating trap that too many women fall into.  Indeed, as a dating coach, I find that it’s one of the most common mistakes women make in early dating – acting overly chummy, trying to create emotional bonds by prematurely and inappropriately revealing personal information with complete strangers.  In Megan’s case – the strangers are interviewers and her public – but many other women make similar mistakes by opening up too fast and too soon with men they’ve only just met.

Fortunately, for Megan – and other women who are struggling with boundaries – there’s a fairly easy fix.  Zip it!  Don’t feel the need to respond to every question.  Don’t accept every request for an interview (or date).  Remember that silence and a smile is also an answer.  I believe that words are like currency.  When you flood the market with the currency of your conversation, you’ll ultimately devalue the meaning of what is expressed.

Sherrie Schneider & Ellen Fein address this in The Rules – specifically, Rule #19 (“Don’t Open Up Too Fast”) & #20 (“Be Honest but Mysterious”).  Though aimed at advising women on how to act on the first few dates with a new man, such advice – e.g. “Don’t plague him with your neuroses!!!” – certainly applies to handling nosy reporters, as well!

Whether she likes it or not, Megan Fox is cultivating a relationship with the public when she talks to reporters.  “There are many ways to kill a relationship,” say Schneider and Fein. “Getting heavy and examining everything is certainly one of them.  Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, bringing up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem – all in an attempt to bond with this new man.  This is deadly and boring.”

Megan Fox’s disclosures about her insecurities and sexual proclivities may – or may not – be “deadly and boring,” but they certainly won’t help her cultivate a mystique of class that other celebrities like Angelina Jolie, have mastered.  How ironic, then, that Fox is often compared to Jolie.  Yet Jolie herself took a TMI public persona and transformed herself into a CUAO (creature unlike any other) through a combo of good works and a “no comment” default mode to personal prying. So let’s hope Fox takes a page from Jolie’s playbook, by saying less and doing more.

A more elusive approach might even have side benefits for Fox’s six-year on-again-off-again relationship with Brian Green. Too many women — not just celebrities — believe that cathartic conversations about the “relationship” will lend to a breakthrough while more often it prompts a break-up.  I recently counseled one of my clients struggling with a tumultuous two-year relationship to avoid all heavy conversation, shorten phone calls and stop returning calls. Five weeks after we began her “Reticence Campaign” her boyfriend finally found his voice and popped the question. Their wedding is planned for Thanksgiving.

Learn how you can turn a less loquacious approach to your advantage by attending my upcoming March 18th workshop in Malibu or sign up for a free introductory consultation.

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MORE LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES (Part Two)

In last week’s blog, I focused on the five most common dating myths that mire women in romantic ruts. I was not prepared for the outpouring of women – literally from around the world – who contacted me, sheepishly admitting that they’d been falling for one or more of these self-delusions:

1)  He’s “intimidated” by you.
2)  Women love men who treat them like crap.
3)  It’s only what’s on the inside that counts.
4)  He’s teasing you because he likes you.
5)  It doesn’t matter what night he asks you out – only THAT he asks you out.

Inspired by all the women who are clearly ready to start a New Year by ditching self-sabotaging deceptions, I’ve decided to offer five more myths which could be trapping you in old, unhealthy relationship patterns.

6) The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Yes, I’m talking to you, lady with the spatula, baking Christmas cookies for the doctor you have a crush on – and you, foodie-girl, planning to prepare a gourmet holiday dinner for your boyfriend and his pals. The myth is believing that demonstrating your culinary skills will give him yet one MORE incentive to date or marry you, but in fact it may backfire. A man you’d like to date may savor every crumb of your amazing rugelach, but he’ll also know you like him, think you’re trying too hard, see you as less of a challenge, and thus unconsciously downgrade your dating market value. Men you’re already dating will again, certainly appreciate the five course meal you’ve slaved over, but he will probably also feel a little entrapped by such wannabe-wifey-behavior, and may even take you for granted.

7) He’s afraid of his feelings. Okay, this is right up there with myth #1, above, in its ubiquity. Every time I hear one of my new clients trying to explain away a guy’s emotional distance or ambivalence toward commitment in terms of “issues” he’s still working out from his childhood, his last marriage, etc. it sets off serious alarm bells. I’ve seen women play therapist for years with men who were supposedly “afraid to fall in love” only to have Mr. Fraidy-Cat dump them unceremoniously after suddenly finding his courage to love and, wow, get engaged to someone else in a matter of months, not years. The best case scenario is that he may indeed be in love with you, but you’re preventing him from discovering his true feelings on his own by crowding him with relationship talk and spending too much time with him.

8)  Going on trips together will bring you closer as a couple. Wrong. I’ve talked to so many women who went on these amazing week-long (or longer) trips with a man to Europe, the Caribbean, Hawaii, etc. – thinking that the new levels of emotional and physical intimacy they’ve reached will translate into a more secure relationship – only to have the guy call it quits within days of returning home. As Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein, authors of The Rules, observe: “Trips make men go backwards.” All of a sudden they think they’re locked into a marriage track, have doubts, and bolt. Better to have him go on the trip alone, think about you, wonder about you, miss you, and think, “Gee, this would be a good place for a honeymoon.”

9) Mind-blowing sex will make him want to marry you. I’m not talking here about the woman who’s enjoying joyful adventurous sex simply for her pleasure – but the gal who’s investing loads of energy into learning tantric techniques, taking him on trips to the sex-toys shop, priding herself on sexual acrobatics worthy of Zumanity, and putting on an exaggerated verbal performance of how great it all is, hoping to get him so hooked on her sexual charms that he’ll never want to leave. Then he does. You want a man to fall in love with your whole being – not just your body. Also you don’t want to be the one doing most of the work, either in bed, or in the relationship in general. Not only will trying too hard create imbalance in the relationship, it can also prevent you from relaxing and enjoying this aspect of your love.

10) Love conquers all. Like #3 above, this myth harbors a profound truth: the bond you share with your beloved will help you weather hardships, overcome obstacles and rise above petty differences. But despite its power, love is not a magic wand that can make serious problems, like drug/alcohol dependency, abusive tendencies, or womanizing disappear. Moreover, if you’re counting on “love” to change your man – for example, make him more ambitious, or more generous – you’re setting the stage for disappointment and frustration on both sides, because men never really change.

If you’ve been deluding yourself with one or more of the above myths take heart – you’re in good company! Paradoxically, I sometimes find that the smarter women are, the more likely they are to succumb to such delusions, maybe because they have a tendency to over-think relationships, or believe they can “make” things happen in love the same way they do in their careers. Fortunately, recognizing patterns of self-deception is a big step towards breaking them. Need more help? Take advantage of my free ten-minute mini-consult by visiting www.malilburulesgirl.com.

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10 LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES (Part One)

The dating deception single women invariably confront range from the annoying (online photos that turn out to be a decade old), to the aggravating (“I’ll call you”), to the agonizing (“Oh, her? Just a friend”). But usually we don’t remain in the dark forever – one way or another, the truth will out. Far more insidious, however, are the lies we women tell ourselves.  These myths may feel comfy, but by insulating us from sometimes unpleasant realities, they undermine our ability to make rational decisions based on complete information, thus sabotaging our long-term romantic goals.

In my practice as a Rules dating coach, here are the most common dating myths women fall for:

1)  He’s intimidated by you. I hear this one all the time.  What’s even more mortifying is I used to fall for it myself. Women with lots going for them – attractive professionals with their act pulled together – will tell themselves that the reason the object of their affection isn’t responding to their flirtation is because he’s just overawed by their credentials, looks, or financial

standing.  Ladies, it just isn’t true.  Wish it was true – so much more palatable than “he’s just not that into you.”   And yes, there are plenty of mousy guys out there.  But even the mousiest specimen will discover his inner manly man when he sees a woman he wants to be with.  Let go of the fantasy relationships to open yourself up to a real one.

2) Women love men who treat them like crap. I recently came across a heinous example of this sort of misogynistic claptrap in a blog by a self-styled pick-up artist guru – Roissy in DC – claiming: “The men women want most” are “cads and ***holes.”  That may be true for a minority, but women with high self-esteem find adoring, persistent and respectful attention an incredible turn-on.  Such women instinctively avoid wasting time on men who cultivate “low expectations,” as Roissy recommends. That’s the benefit of The Rules mantra: “Love only those who love you.”

“Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you …You have no desire to chase someone who hasn’t noticed you, sought you out, or dialed your number to ask you out.”

3)  It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Before you have a heart attack, let me emphasize that it IS what’s on the inside – your essence, your spirit, your intellect – that a man falls in love with, and that is all important when it comes to building a relationship and sustaining it over the long run, especially during hard times.  But unfortunately, this “truth” can become a myth, when we use it to dismiss the importance of looking our best when it comes to attracting men.  In addition to diet and exercise, this includes making an extra effort to look pulled together, feminine and sexy.  If you have a favorite feature, show it off!  Your long legs, dazzling décolletage, or silky tousled hair may be the lure that leads him to contemplate and fall in love with your amazing personality.

4)  He’s teasing you because he likes you.  We’ve been fed this line ever since we came home crying about Johnny’s spitballs in 3^rd grade.  While it may have been true for young boys, still developing emotionally and sexually, a grown man who tries to put you off balance with verbal sparring on the first few dates doesn’t really care that much about you – or is playing games, which, in my book, amount to the same thing.  Again, the players’ guru, Roissy, explicitly encourages men to ask a date questions “designed to put her on the defensive,” such as “Are you a good kisser?” or “Are you rich?”  I’ve detailed your options for dealing with such questions elsewhere, but suffice it to say here that a man who really likes you will NOT risk offending you, and thus spoiling his chances of sleeping with you, by playing such games.

5) It doesn’t matter what night he wants to see you — Thursday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, whatever  – only THAT he wants to see you. You may want to believe it’s not important whether he asks you for Saturday or not – but he knows the importance, believe me.  Remember the Beach Boys’ lyric?  “None of the guys go steady, ‘cuz it wouldn’t be right to leave your best girl home on a Saturday night.”  On the other end of the spectrum, Roissy tells men to “train women to have low expectations for seeing you on prime [EXPLETIVE] hunting nights.”  If he’s not seeing you on Saturday, he’s seeing someone else – or looking for someone he WOULD want to see on Saturdays, and every other day, in perpetuity.

If you think you may be falling for one or more of these myths – but aren’t sure about whether it applies to your specific situation, then sign up for a free 10-minute consultation at www.maliburulesgirl.com.  Next week I’ll fill you in on the next five lies women tell themselves in dating, so you can break out of self-destructive delusions to realize your highest romantic goals.

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THE PLAYERS STRIKE BACK

I’ll never cease to be amazed by the violent reaction to The Rules from some quarters (though I long ago stopped caring about it).  Yes there’s the tired, old politically correct anti-feminist charge, which more than anything betrays an ignorance of The Rules’ main benefit: protecting women from insincere male predators.  The Rules help prevent needless heartache, so women can focus on bigger priorities like negotiating peace treaties, launching IPOs and curing cancer.

Alongside this principled (if misguided) objection, there’s the unseemly spectacle of grown men whining like schoolyard sissies that The Rules encourages women to “play games.”  Such men seem so earnest in their demands for authenticity in dating that it’s almost tempting to believe them…until you run across a man who reminds you that we women are complete amateurs when it comes to “game playing,” that MEN are the true gamers and players, and that this is precisely why women who don’t want to waste time or be manipulated need The Rules.

Meet Roissy in DC – a self-styled pick-up artist guru whose mission in life is apparently to help as many men as

Roissy the dog-trainer

possible seduce, control and take advantage of women.  Speaking of “Rules,” this guy has “commandments” all his own, including: “make her jealous…flirt with other women in front of her” and “give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you.”   Vile and amoral, yet at least he is honest about his agenda – and in so doing makes a case more explicit and eloquent than any I could ever make on WHY WOMEN NEED THE RULES.

In a recent blog, “Anti-Player Counterinsurgency: Game for Women,” Roissy in DC attacked my Huffington Post articles, purporting to tell his followers which tactics they could use to essentially neutralize The Rules.  This was annoying, but not as annoying as the alarmist reaction from some of my own Rules Girls who saw his post and started a ruckus of chirping like a bunch of scared chicks, that if we let the world know about The Rules then we are playing into the hands of men like Roissy in DC.

Nonsense!  That’s like saying we’re playing into the hands of terrorists by standing up to the terrorists.  And men who declare war on women’s self-respect, sanity and individual sovereignty are nothing less than sexual terrorists — and Roissy in DC is their Osama bin Laden.

I have no doubt that many, many women fall victim to the tactics he promotes.  These fallen sisters may be sweet, naive, honest, insecure, what have you.  One thing they are NOT, are Rules Girls.  In fact, if you wanted to be truly Darwinian about it, you’d have to thank Roissy in DC, because not only is he encouraging the truly predatory men to drop their camouflage – thus helping Rules Girls steer clear of such timewasters – he’s actually giving us a clearer playing field with less competition.  Think about it: As good-for-now-girls get bogged down in confidence-sucking entanglements with these ultimate Mr. Wrongs, they’re not out there competing for the true, sincere contenders – the potential Mr. Rights.

I do not smile upon the terrible anxiety and ultimate heart-wrenching disappointment these non-Rules Girls will suffer by being duped by such players, but can only hope that when they do hit bottom, when they finally get tired of being taken advantage of, they will seek out a radically different approach to dating, which is The Rules.

Moreover, once they have discovered and truly committed themselves to The Rules, they will never again fall victim to Roissy in DC’s tactics.  And guess what?  Even if they do succumb, they’ll quickly pick themselves up and move on with a resounding, affirming “Next!”  Remember what Sherrie and Ellen say in Rule #30: “Rules girls don’t get hung up on men who reject them…They carry on…They don’t write men letters offering to change to make things work out…They accept it’s over and get on with it.  They don’t waste time.”

Thus, The Rules necessarily neutralize any curveball a player tries to throw your way.  Doubt me?  Then let me take you through each of Roissy in DC’s “anti-player solutions” to demonstrate how truly powerless they are against the woman who consistently and conscientiously does The Rules.

Anti-Player Counterinsurgency: Game For Women
November 11, 2009 by roissy

Reproduction is a biological arms race. Did you think women would just lie down as more and more players plunder their goods? Well, yes, they would, but they will also respond with anti-player counterinsurgency tactics, because it is the subconscious algorithm of women to make it as difficult as possible for men to get up their skirts. Reader “Dr Love” pointed me to a couple of Huffington Post articles by “dating and relationship coach” Jag Carrao (only in a nation wheezing its last breaths could a person find a successful career as a dating and relationship coach) where she offers rules for women on how to successfully thwart any game that men run on them.

[[JAG: Note the gratuitous anti-Americanism of “a nation wheezing its last breaths,” although given the direction in which our country’s leaders seem committed to dragging us, perhaps Roissy in DC is right after all.  Indeed, if we are nearing a collapse of a culture which, among other things, once provided standards and expectations about courtship, why wouldn’t women turn, in consequent confusion, to another woman offering guidance and help in these murky times?  Also, in what kind of nation does a pick-up artist guru find “a successful career”?]]

Roissy in DC: Since we will be seeing more of this sort of thing in the coming years from self-styled “Rules Girls”, and because I am a man of tremendous magnanimity and nobleness of spirit, I’ve decided to get a jump start and give you the tools you’ll need to fend off women’s counterinsurgencies to your game. Call it anti-anti-player game.

In her first article, Jag Carrao suggests ways for women to avoid common female dating mistakes that keep them going back again and again into the arms of badboys and assholes. (In womanspeak, “dating mistake” means anything that helps the man get the bang).

Dating Mistake #1: Approaching Him First.

Quick Fix:  If you talked to him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some of the feminine mystique you forfeited as the initiator by being a bit more elusive – a little less available, a little more mysterious.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: Double down. When she waits a day to return your call, you wait two days to return hers. When she cancels a date, you cancel two. Or you cancel an even bigger, better date that she was looking forward to. A player understands that women like to maintain an air of mystery and coyness, but he also understands that the world is full of women. His abundance mentality ensures that no woman remains elusive with him for long.

[[JAG: At least Roissy in DC and I agree on one thing, “the world is full of women.”  Fortunately, it is also full of men!  Rules girls should stick to the original rule of waiting 24-48 hours to return a man’s call (and that’s ONLY a call that’s specifically asking for a date – “whassup” calls are not returned AT ALL).  If a player wants to “double down” and wait twice as long to return that call then guess what?  He’s just postponing the amount of time until he gets to see you!  For example: he calls Monday afternoon asking to get together.  The Rules Girl calls back Tuesday afternoon, and leaves a message.  Mr. Player “doubles down” and doesn’t call back until Thursday?  Fine: he misses out on the Saturday date, because Rules Girls don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday, and we’re aiming for Saturdays only with true contenders.  The end result is essentially mission accomplished: you’ve blocked this player from digging in your sandbox.  Let him go run a game on one of those “plenty of other women” – or, if he discovers his true feelings for you, man up and treat you with respect.  Otherwise, leave him to prey on weaker specimens while you get out there and look for a stronger one!]]

[[As for Roissy in DC’s advice to men to cancel two dates if a woman cancels one?  No problem!  A Rules Girl “nexts” a man who cancels the first or second date.  If you’re in a month or so and he cancels two dates?  Or cancels something you were really looking forward to?  NEXT – big time!  Again, mission accomplished.  It doesn’t matter if the canceling was actual gaming on his part, or just a function of his not being that into you (which are essentially the same thing if you think about it!).  Rules protocol automatically protects you from this disappointing timewaster.  Believe me, the man who REALLY loves you will never cancel on you – or he’ll be in the hospital (for real, as opposed to being an excuse).  Again, Roissy in DC is strangely right: he says his approach ensures a woman “won’t remain elusive for long.”  Right, we won’t be elusive, we’ll be completely gone!]]

Dating Mistake #2: Acting overly chummy.

Quick Fix:  Recognize that the more you talk about yourself, the less you’ll be listening and observing whether he is right for you.  Identify why you feel the need to yammer on — nervousness, low tolerance for awkward silences, desire to impress with witty banter and accomplishments – and remember that you are not there to audition, but to relax and have a good time.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: As any reader of my blog knows by now, seduction is in large part a simple flipping of the male-female mating script. You *want* women to feel like they have to audition for your favor. If she clams up in order to get you to reveal more about yourself, continue framing the conversation in such a way that she is coaxed into dropping important details about herself. This is when the art of qualifying is put to best use.

[[JAG: The Rules aren’t about “clamming up” to get a man to reveal more of himself  – they’re about not spilling your guts on the first three dates.  They’re about not treating this stranger you essentially just met as your therapist or new best friend.  The main benefit is that you don’t overwhelm a man and you maintain his interest by opening the petals of your personality slowly.  A side benefit is that by not exhausting yourself trying to entertain him with verbal tap-dancing. you can pick up key information.  Like whether he is an out-and-out player.  How can you recognize that?  Well, fortunately, Roissy in DC gives us the answer in his “short list of effective qualifying questions that will let the girl know you are a choosy man” (read: pathetic insecure misogynist who needs to crib his come on lines from the Internet).  If you ever hear a man ask these questions – which Roissy in DC describes as “designed to put her on the defensive” – you know where they came from:

1. Can you cook?
2. Do you give good backrubs?
3. Are you a good kisser?
4. Do you do much traveling?
5. Are you rich?
6. Are you smart?
7. Are you the jealous type?
8. Is there more to you than just your looks?
9. Are you low, medium, or high maintenance?
10. Have you ever given a dollar to a homeless guy when no one else was watching?

If you hear any of these lines, you have a couple of options.  A: get up and walk away.  B: burst into laughter, and ask him if he learned that from Roissy the dog-trainer.  C: Answer, “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”   Personally I vote for option A, because why would you want to spend one more minute – much less date – a man who follows advice such as: when a woman “has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.”

Besides, if you answer with some sort of Rules-y block, like “Gee, I’ve never really thought about it” or “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” Roissy in DC recommends the following:

“Don’t be afraid to express some disappointment if she doesn’t answer your question in a way that pleases you. Let the disappointment show on your face. Don’t make a huge production out of it; a deflated “oh, i see” or “that’s too bad” will work just fine.”

Please see options A and B above.

Dating Mistake #3:  Accepting last minute dates.

Quick Fix:  To make sure you’re his “Plan A” girl (not the “Plan B” girl he calls after his first choice turns him down), I recommend setting a firm cut-off limit after which you’re “busy” – period.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: The seasoned player avoids any issues associated with the timing of scheduling dates by taking the girl home the night they meet.

[[JAG: Does this one even need to be addressed?  No Rules Girl would go home with a guy she just met that night.  This is what I mean about the hidden dividend to the player’s program: While the easy are going home with the sleazy, those women who respect themselves will have less competition for the men who actually have decent intentions.]]

Roissy in DC:  Not everyone is a seasoned player, though, so calls and arrangements will have to be made. I don’t have a problem with calling girls a few days ahead to schedule a date, as long as you don’t leave the impression that your schedule is wide open. For example, if it’s a Monday when you call her, and you schedule a date for Thursday, don’t offer another day that same week if she can’t make it happen on Thursday. Just tell her you’ll be in touch and see if you two can get together some other time. Ambivalence makes the heart grow fonder.

[[JAG: Not really.  Ardor and enthusiasm makes the heart grow fonder.  In fact, intense interest and conscientious attempts to date a woman properly can often overwhelm HER initial ambivalence, as the persistent suitor’s defects seem to magically disappear in her eyes.  That’s the benefit of Rule 34: “Love only those who love you”:

“Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you either physically or emotionally, and, of course, any man who can live without you…You have no desire to chase someone who hasn’t noticed you, sought you out, or dialed your number to ask you out.”

And again, if a player wants to not offer another option if the first night he suggests doesn’t work for you, so much the better.  Whenever Roissy in DC suggests men respond to Rules-y behavior by pulling back, calling less, seeing a woman less – he’s actually doing us the biggest favor possible!]]

Dating Mistake #4: Jumping into a “whirlwind romance.”

Quick Fix:  You need to start pacing the relationship.  Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, don’t talk more than ten minutes on the phone, don’t open up too fast, or introduce him to your friends before he introduces you to his.  If he absolutely must see you every day, 24-hours-a-day, there’s this arrangement called marriage…let him figure it out!

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This one is simple. Three date rule. If she isn’t putting out – or giving clear indications that she’s well on the way to putting out – by the third date, her attraction for you isn’t strong enough for you to invest much more energy or time in her. Or she’s a repressed prude.

[[JAG: A woman who “isn’t putting out” by the third date is “a repressed prude”?  Wow.  Okay, if The Rules — which are specifically designed to protect women from such sexual objectification — are decried as backwards, what are we to call such blatant contempt for a woman’s choice to say “no” before she’s ready for sexual intimacy?  I’m assuming that Roissy in DC and his followers do not have any daughters? If they have little girls, would they encourage them to go home and have sex with men who pick them up at bars?]]

[[Roissy in DC’s anti-anti-player solution on this one is based upon the premise that women are weak, shallow and easily manipulated – and as a result of this prejudice, his advice is dead wrong.  Women who wait until exclusivity before becoming intimate are not “repressed” nor do they lack attraction to the man in question.  In fact, if they’re Rules Girls the truth is quite possibly just the opposite.  It’s only BECAUSE they are sexually liberated with healthy libidos that they’ve slept with enough men on the first or second date to realize that immediate sexual intimacy does not necessarily lead to the emotional intimacy and security they crave.  As for attraction, even a Rules Girls might, in a moment of weakness, sleep with a “beta” – as Roissy in DC puts it – right away because she’s just not that interested in him, and doesn’t really care that much if he sticks around or not.  But when the man comes along whom she REALLY wants, she’ll get her Rules game on, and summon all her self-control to postpone sex as long as possible – a) because of her strong attraction, this man can hurt her, and b) because she’ll reduce the risk of him falling in-and-out of lust too quickly.]]

Roissy: Either way, the last thing a player wants is a woman who controls the pace of dispensing her sexual favors. If you sense she’s dragging her feet by date three, the best countertactic is to cancel date four. Any plausible excuse will work. Instill the fear of loss into her and watch as her practiced restraint melts away.
Also, any man who wants to see a girl every day, 24-hours-a-day, is not likely to get into any whirlwind romance because women aren’t attracted to clingy betas.

[[JAG: Once again, The Rules ensures proper pest control.  Players avoid “the woman who controls the pace of dispensing her sexual favors,” and Rules Girls avoid the man who tries to manipulate them into having sex before they’re ready.  Rules Girls do not see a man “every day, 24-hours-a-day” – but unlike Roissy in DC, we understand why so many women do: because it’s immensely flattering and conveys a false sense of emotional connection when a man can’t seem to get enough of you.  But we also know the zero-to-sixty romance all too often ends with your heart wrapped around a tree, and the man leaving the scene of the crime.  Sure, sometimes it leads to lasting romance, but why take the chance?  Pace the relationship.]]

Dating Mistake #5: Wasting Time.

Quick Fix:  Know what you want – and believe you deserve it.  If you want to get married but the guy you’ve been dating for over a year still isn’t sure, set a time limit of how long you’re willing to wait then stick to it.  Once D-Day (decision day) arrives, and he’s still waffling, then move on and do not look back (if he’s ever going to know and man up to a proposal, this will be your best – and his last – chance).

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This is good advice for women (after all, women’s dating market value is much shorter lived than men’s) but it has almost zero chance of being heeded, so the player need not worry too much about neutralizing the marriage ultimatum.

[[JAG: Agreed.  Primarily because it would be practically impossible for a man who is following Roissy in DC’s program and a woman who is actually doing The Rules to date for one month, much less the year or so it would take for marriage to become an issue.]]

Roissy in DC: When a woman loves you, and you don’t give her blatant reasons to bolt, the hardest thing in the world for her to do is to walk away from you on account of an abstract principle such as years remaining to sexual expiration. But in the rare case it does happen, remember: Marriage is no insurance against her leaving you; all it does is buy you a few extra years of arid emotional investment from a woman who is calculatingly capable of issuing, and abiding, relationship ultimatums. What ‘is’ an insurance policy against her leaving you? Her love.

[[JAG: Sadly again, also true.  Does anyone in their right mind think that doing The Rules is easy?  No.  It’s really, really hard to do.  Which is WHY there are, in fact, so very, very few women out there actually doing them.  Which is in turn WHY I think it’s silly for Rules Girls to be worried about men “being onto” The Rules.  Ladies, the men who are following Roissy in DC’s program will not only never end up dating a Rules Girl, they will never, in all likelihood, ever end up even meeting a Rules Girl.  There’s just that few of us out there.  I wish it were different – certainly, if it was, my business would be better – but the only consolation is that the real scarcity of Rules Girls actually drives up our value to men who are looking for something other than an easy lay.  Put differently: it’s easy to observe Rule #1 – “Be a creature unlike any other (CUAO)” – when 99.9% of women are easy to get, easy to bed, easy to manipulate, but not easy to be around.]]

Roissy: In Jag Carrao’s second article, she continues the theme of rules for women to avoid becoming a player’s next lover. Leave it to a “dating and relationship coach” to counsel the virtues of anti-pleasure.

1) The “play to lay” game. This is where he pretends to care about you more than he actually does at the beginning in order to get you into bed.

Girl’s Game Changer: In order the separate the man who actually DOES fall in love with you at first sight and CAN go the distance from the players, a woman must pace the relationship. Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider recommend: Don’t see him more than once or twice a week for the first month or two. Don’t invite him back to your place for the first few dates, and try to hold off on sex until you’re confident he’ll stick around. Sure, a guy who’s just looking to get laid won’t put up with such “games from women.” In other words, you’ll weed out those who want only one thing.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: You can keep a woman playing hard-to-get firmly ensconced in your rotation of regulars by making sure you have other options. Never date only one woman at a time. Always keep at least two in the kitty. A woman will find her ability to control you by pacing how frequently she delivers the goods severely compromised when you remain unruffled by her pussy machinations. Again, by flipping the seduction script and playing hard-to-get yourself, you lure the woman into chasing you. The ultimate pleasure for the player is not sex gotten, but sex given. It is especially satisfying to game a woman so well that she chases you into bed, instead of you chasing her.

[[JAG: The Rules aren’t anti-pleasure – they’re anti-pain: the pain of abandonment, regret and humiliation women experience after putting immediate gratification before the long-term pleasure goal of a lifetime of passionate, nightly, satisfying sex with a partner who loves you enough to marry you.  Again, there’s really very little likelihood of a collision between a Rules Girl and a player because their goals are so diametrically opposed.  The back cover of The Rules book sums up the goal of Rules Girls about as succinctly as could be: “Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.”  That seems to be the antithesis of Roissy’s goal for his players, which might be summarized as “Sex, in the shortest time possible, to a girl you like, who likes you even more than you like her.”  Questions? ]]

2) The “spontaneity” game. At worst, this is when men try to pass off “booty calls” as spontaneous gestures of missing you and needing you.  At best, it’s just laziness, lack of organization, or taking a woman’s time and schedule for granted. Either way, it doesn’t really make a gal feel special or respected when a man calls right before he wants to see her.

Girl’s Game Changer: Ladies, if you would prefer that the men in your lives gave you more advance notice when asking you out, then STOP accepting last minute invitations!  Why not just tell him you prefer to be asked out in advance? You know, ‘cuz it’s all about communicating and being honest? BECAUSE IT WON’T WORK and it will only come across as nagging. As I said in my previous blog, I think the “three days in advance” (e.g., Wednesday for Saturday) as proposed in The Rules is reasonable.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: Reframe your booty calls by making her feel that something is wrong with her for not being spontaneous. “I hope you’re an adventurous girl and not lame, because there’s this great sunset right now over the river that you can’t miss. Come join me, I’ve got champagne.” In general, you should refrain from booty calling all the time. She’ll quickly grow weary of them if that’s all she gets from you. Mix it up. A few scheduled dates, a few booty calls. Women love unpredictability.

[[JAG: Actually Roissy in DC is just confirming my point: a booty call is a booty call, no matter how it is “reframed,” as he puts it.  But we do thank him for the extra tips on player-spotting: the attempt to make a woman feel “lame” if she doesn’t hop to last minute invitations.  Of course, it’s important to turn him down because you “already have plans” (even if those plans involve watching Mad Men before turning in early for some beauty sleep).  If you betray annoyance at being booty-called, or supply any reason for turning him down OTHER than a scheduling conflict, you’re playing right into his hands.  As always, get off the phone first!]]

3) The “good enough for now” game. This is the fun little merry-go-round in which a man creates the impression that the two of you are in a serious relationship when he’s actually stringing you along, enjoying your sexual favors and home-cooked meals, while actively looking for something better.

Girl’s Game Changer: If you’re seeing him once or twice a week, then make sure one of those dates is international date night: Saturday. Unless one/both of you are working or have family commitments on Saturdays, that’s when he gets to see you. How to get him to ask you out for Saturday? Say no to Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday…you get the idea. Once again, a man who is just marking time with you won’t “put up with such games” from women – which is precisely what we want! Men with lukewarm interest won’t pursue a woman who is even the slightest challenge – but not even teams of wild horses (much less a few pesky Rules) can deter the man who really, really loves you.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: The problem with this advice is that the men women want most — alphas, cads, and assholes — are the least likely to “put up with such games” from women. So the woman who follows this “Girl’s Game Changer” rule will soon find herself missing out on the company of desirable men. Only the very hottest of women can get away with saying no to dates on any night other than Saturday night. And the man who DOES agree to a Saturday night date will, ironically, because of the perception that he had nothing better going on, become LESS attractive to the woman who adheres to such a draconian rule!

And that strikes at the inherent disconnect with a lot of these “Rules Girls” rules — the more successful women are at getting men to play by these rules, the less attractive those men become to them. So it is not only in men’s interest, but in women’s interest as well, for men to refuse to play by women’s rules.

As for the specific rule offered here, a way around it is to train your woman to have low expectations for seeing you on prime pussy hunting nights. Don’t schedule Saturday dates until at least a month has passed, and then only schedule them once or twice a month. When your woman has low expectations, it becomes a challenge to disappoint her.

[[JAG: This advice is completely flawed because its premise is fundamentally wrong.  “The men women want most” are “cads and assholes”? Really? That may be true for a minority, but women with high self-esteem and low-tolerance for disrespectful behavior tend to prefer men who are decent, responsible, honest and reliable. Moreover, women who are aware of their ticking biological clock, or who don’t want to “waste the pretty” (as Greg Behrendt puts it), are thinking ahead, and therefore value the smaller commitments today (such as regular Saturday night dates and exclusivity) that will lead to bigger commitments (marriage and family) tomorrow. Are some women irrational – e.g., will they waste time and sacrifice their youthful desirability on the man who cultivates their “low expectations” and leaves them home on “prime pussy hunting nights” because they find this more exciting than the company of a man demonstrating potential at providing longer-term emotional, social and financial security?  Yes, some women are that irrational. Most women are not. ]]

4) The “break up to make up” game.  Two can certainly play at this game, but when the on-again-off-again routine starts stretching into years vs. months, it’s women who have the most to lose, as time is our most precious, non-renewable resource.

Girl’s Game Changer: This one is so hard. As Greg Behrendt put it in He’s Just Not That Into You:
“What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful, ‘I miss you so much’ voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist you must.”

Usually, when he breaks it off, it’s broken forever. But not always. Sometimes you’ve crowded and scared a guy, and the break up is his way of reasserting his space. So GIVE HIM SPACE. Don’t call him, don’t e-mail him. If he does call and ask to get back together, proceed with caution. He’s proven he can walk away from you once. The defensive dating techniques I recommend can protect your already bruised heart from getting brutalized once more.

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: None needed. This “rule” works to the benefit of the player. Half-assed breakups initiated by the man are a great way to spice up a sex life. You will never plunge into a wetter, wider pussy than the week after you’ve quasi-broken up with a girl and called her out of the blue to get together for drinks. It’s mean, but oh sweet jesus is it effective.

[[JAG:  Wow.  What a finale. Roissy in DC is actually encouraging men to break up with their girlfriends to “spice up” their sex lives?  A kind, devoted, faithful woman’s crushed heart is not even worth noting – as long as it yields “wetter, wider pussy”??? ]]

[[In addition to being evil, Roissy in DC must also be delusional if he thinks my advice on handling male-initiated break-ups could possibly “work to the benefit of the player.”  As stated above, when a man breaks up with you, you should resist taking him back.  If you don’t, then as I said, “proceed with caution” and deploy “defensive dating techniques” – which does NOT mean sleeping with him the night after he’s “called…out of the blue to get together” or a week “after [he’s] quasi-broken up with you.”   If you reunite with a man after he’s asked for “space” or whatever, he doesn’t get to jump into bed with you after calling for drinks – he goes back to square one.  The relationship starts over as if you were dating again for the first time.]]

There is another common game men play – it’s actually a word game, where they pretend they have never heard of and certainly cannot pronounce such words as “marriage,” “commitment” and “children.” Deftly winning this game requires delicate skill, and deserves an entire blog on the subject. So tune in next time for “Engaged by Christmas.”

Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This is because after marriage, women have a hard time pronouncing such words as “blowjob”, “ass to mouth”, and “train station bathroom tug job”.

[[JAG: Wrong again.  If a man doesn’t want to marry you, it isn’t because he’s concerned about the possible deleterious effects on your shared sex life.  It’s either because he just isn’t that in love with you (possibly because you initiated the relationship, were always the one in the driver’s seat, moving it along), OR if he does really love you, his marriage-phobia is because he is taking you for granted, doesn’t believe you could walk away from him in a million (unmarried) years, and sees no marginal benefit to tying the knot.]]

[[There’s no way to “make” a man who doesn’t really love you want to marry you – your best bet is to cut your losses and find someone who can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you.  But if he does love you, but simply isn’t sharing your sense of urgency about making your commitment official (and this is a situation I find with many of my clients) then I usually recommend planning for the “where is this going” talk a month or two out, and meanwhile being as sweet and light and breezy as possible, even as you cut back on time (phone & date) spent with him, and shake things up by going out more with girlfriends, canceling the occasional date, and even taking a trip without him.  It’s in the time he spends AWAY from you – not the time he spends WITH you – that a man discovers the true depths of his feelings, and often miraculously comes up with a plan all on his own]].

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Holiday Dating Do’s and Don’ts

Other than staking out her territory under the mistletoe, what can the single woman do to leverage the holidays to her advantage?  There’s plenty of tactics she can employ to advance (or at least not sabotage!) her romantic goals – whether her aim is simply to meet someone new or have her current relationship evolve toward something more permanent.  Here are a few Rules-based tips that can help women honor themselves, attract the opposite sex, and keep sane through the holidays:

DO take advantage of the seasonal color scheme to wear more red.  It worked for Santa, and it will work for you too.  Research shows men may be more attracted to women in red. Several articles published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women wearing red were rated more sexually desirable than those wearing “cooler” hues like green or brown. Whether it’s socially conditioned or an evolved biological cue, the upshot is that donning scarlet could help you heat things up. And while you’re wearing your holiday brights, make sure you…

DON’T give into holiday blues. Impending Christmas and New Year’s can make even the most self-reliant single girl feel lonely and bereft as she bemoans the gulf between her current lot and her dreams of being in a committed relationship. The holiday season can also be tense for women with boyfriends – particularly when their hopes for the future are being obscured by his ambivalence or excuses.  Keep busy, engage your mind, exercise your body and pamper your senses to avoid wallowing in or obsessing about what’s lacking in your life right now.  Then…

DO start thinking about New Year’s Resolutions that can help you meet your romantic goals. For example, if you’re tired of being single, maybe it’s time for you to finally start online dating — or if you’re on one site, join one or two more (it’s a numbers game, and in order to be selective you need to expand your pool of potential candidates). Maybe you need to tweak – or makeover – your online profile so it’s less wordy and heavy, more breezy and open. One of my clients just doubled the number of e-mails she was receiving, simply by changing her screen name, updating her photos, and editing her profile so it reflected her fun-loving, not-so-serious side. But…

DON’T check your online dating account over the holidays. As I tell the women I coach, try to set parameters around when you sign into your accounts. I usually suggest you confine checking to daytime hours on weekdays. Not only is it unhealthy to be compulsively checking your account at all hours of the day, many services indicate when members are online. You don’t need to broadcast to potential dates that you’re home alone on a Saturday night – or a Christmas Eve. Instead of lurking online…

DO hit the holiday party circuit, looking gorgeous and smiling at the universe. If you’re single these events can help you circulate in a social setting where men can find you. And if you’re attached, but feel your significant other may be taking you for granted then stop sitting home by the phone.  Enjoying your life to the fullest – and keeping busy with family, friends, work, and social engagements – reminds him you are an independent woman whose life does not revolve around him.

DON’T pick him up at the airport. Especially if he hasn’t asked you to! Don’t be the schlepping wife-wannabe. Be his Dreamgirl. Let him arrange for his own transportation. Instead of waiting in traffic, circling the terminal, and showing up as a frazzled mess – go get a mani/pedi, blowout, etc. It may seem counter-intuitive, but acting like a wife – the home-cooked meals, the chauffeur service, the decorating his apartment – will not make him want to marry you. If anything, it will push him further away. AND you’ll end up feeling resentful when your generosity isn’t reciprocated with commitment and appreciation.

DO your own thing during the holidays, instead of relying on the guy you’re dating to make all the plans (and include you in them). If he hasn’t suggested spending the holidays together then make your own arrangements. This includes New Year’s Eve! Introduce him to your friends and family ONLY AFTER he has introduced you to his. If he feels you’re more serious about the relationship than he is, or that you’re moving faster than he wants to then he may start having doubts and possibly pull away, leaving you vulnerable and hurt.

DON’T buy him lavish gifts. By “lavish” I don’t necessarily mean expensive. One client – okay, alright, it was me! – tried to impress a beau by creating a handmade card by cutting out little phrases and pet names from magazines, then gluing them onto construction paper. At the time this seemed like a good idea, though in retrospect it’s mortifyingly psycho – an impression obviously shared by the object of my attention, since he dumped me right after the holidays! Men get overwhelmed when women go overboard in the gift department. They may be flattered. They may be psyched – as in, “Wow!  A 58” Plasma HDTV?!?!”  But they will also see your extremely generous gift as a symbol of your intense love – which they no longer have to win – and possibly, a reflection of your high expectations in return, which they may start wondering whether they can (or want) to fulfill. Another common dating mistake:  buying presents for his mother, sister, secretary, etc. thinking this will help build a pro-marry-you coalition of sympathetic females. If you’re just bursting with the giving spirit this season, then…

DO volunteer. Of course this is a year-round “do,” but the holidays often present additional opportunities to volunteer, which in addition to benefiting others, can benefit your love life as well. How? Aside from the immediate benefit of putting you in the flow of meeting men who share your charitable interests, volunteering will help refresh your perspective on what’s important in life, and renewing your sense of gratitude for the blessings in your life. Both can help keep bitterness at bay – thus not only making the dating slog more bearable, but also enhancing that all-alluring aphrodisiac: inner-contentment and joy.

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ENGAGED BY CHRISTMAS

What does the girl who’s been happily dating her boyfriend for several months really want for Christmas this year?

An engagement ring.

Christmas music and movies have helped stoke seasonal-hopes for happy endings.  Think of the lovers who “face unafraid, the plans that [they] made, while walking in a Winter Wonderland.”  Or Miracle on 34th Street, in which Santa helps shepherd a couple to marriage plans over the holidays.

That isn’t to suggest that such aspirations for a Christmas or Hanukkah or New Year’s engagement are culturally contrived.  To the contrary, NOTHING could be more natural than for a woman in love with hopes for marriage and possibly children to wish to see her dreams reciprocated during a season centering around family, tradition, and reflections on the year behind and that ahead.

I’m not talking about a movie timeline, like the one referenced above, where Maureen O’Hara meets her handsome neighbor on Thanksgiving and he pops the question on Christmas Day.  I’m talking about the couple that’s been happily dating for at least nine months, that is in an exclusive relationship, in which the man has unambiguously declared his love, and at least hinted at his intentions for the future.

The weeks and months leading up to engagement may sound like an ideal, shining time for a woman – and in many ways it is: you’ve moved beyond the awkwardness of early dating to greater intimacy, security and trust.  But as I can attest from my coaching practice, it can also be an incredibly nerve-wracking time as well!  You’re doing your darnedest to practice patience, keep things light and focus on the present, and yet all these feelings of doubt, ambivalence and even resentment keep bubbling up – particularly if you’ve been dating for over a year, or even years, plural!

Why?  Well, because something is awry in the balance of your relationship.  Your boyfriend – whom you dearly love – appears to be getting most, if not all, of his needs met.  He’s got a lover, a committed girlfriend, and possibly even a faux-wife if you’ve fallen into the error of acting like you were married – e.g. cooking for him, spending too much time with him, letting him see you whenever he wants, keeping clothes at his place, etc.  In fact, he might be happy with this arrangement for years.  I mean, why not?

But what about you?  Are you getting all of your needs yet?  My hunch is “no,” otherwise you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog.  Maybe you’d like to have children one day – and if he’s not going to end up being the father, you might want to make other plans.  Maybe you’re thinking of a career switch or geographic move, and don’t want to keep putting your life on hold while he makes up his mind.  Or maybe you’re just tired of seeing all your friends getting engaged and married around you – and wondering why your boyfriend seems assiduously dedicated to not noticing the trend.

So what can you do?  Here are few pointers:

1) Check your timing. When it comes to fumbling your part of the engagement process, the mistakes women make fall into one of two categories.  They either bring up marriage too early (in the first few months of dating) – scaring men away — or let the issue slide for years as their frustration and despair grows.  In a recent seminar in London, The Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider told their audience that it’s okay to ask where things are going about seven months into the relationship.  In the “ideal” Rules timeline, he proposes after nine months.  Certainly by a year you should know whether he plans to marry you or not.

2) Inventory the relationship. Who initiated the relationship?  If you met on-line, did you respond to his ad – or vice versa?  Who’s done most of the contacting?  Has he said he loved you, and asked for exclusivity?    Obviously not all relationships are headed toward marriage – however long they may have lasted.  But if he was the pursuer, and you’ve done him the honor of letting him retain that role throughout the courtship, then your odds of engagement are vastly better than if you picked him up, called him, asked him out, etc.

3) Stop making excuses for him – as in “he’s still scarred by his first marriage,” or “he’s under too much pressure at work,” or he can’t commit because of childhood trauma, and other such mind games.   Also, don’t let him snooker you into pretending that marriage isn’t important or doesn’t matter IF it IS important to YOU and DOES matter to YOU.  In He’s Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo argue that “Love cures commitment-phobia”:

“Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage or has ‘issues’ with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married.  It will just never be with you.  Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married.  He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.”

Harsh – but liberating truth – which, the sooner you accept, the sooner you’ll be able to move out from under the dead weight of a potentially going-nowhere relationship so that your real future husband can find you!

4) Scale back on togetherness. Of course you want to be with him day in and day out – that’s why you want to get married!  But if you’re with him all or even most of the time, you’ve robbed him of any incentive to move things forward.  Ellen and Sherrie say it best in The Rules II:

“In general, the way to get a man to ask you to marry him in a reasonable amount of time is not to live with him before you’re engaged or married and to continue to see him only three times a week, even though by this time you want to be inseparable.  If that doesn’t work, you may have to shake things up a little bit – go away for a weekend with a girlfriend, cancel a Saturday night date, get very busy at work, mention that you are renewing your apartment lease, and be mysterious about your activities.  All of the above should make him anxious to propose.”

5) Set some internal deadlines. How long do you want to date your boyfriend without being engaged?  While I mention that he should know where this is going after a year, maybe you’re not marriage-minded yet – or are still reeling from a divorce.  Once you HAVE decided that you want to marry him, set in mind a month when you’d like to aim for resolution.  At that point it’s perfectly okay for you to ask him his intentions.  He doesn’t need to respond with a proposal – but if you don’t get a clear sense that he’s either planning something or seriously thinking in that direction, you need to be prepared to walk.

Even if you’re in the somewhat early stages of dating – nowhere near where you should be talking about marriage – the holidays DO provide an ideal time to look for signs of whether the man you’re seeing is serious about you.  Does he give you a romantic – or practical gift?  The man who gives you inexpensive lingerie from T.J. Maxx is more likely to end up proposing than the one who gives you an expensive cashmere scarf from Loro Piana.  Does make plans in advance for New Year’s Eve?  Does he include you in family gatherings?  Does he talk about what you’ll be doing “next year”?  Does he want to be with you, even when you’ve come down with the seasonal flu?  If he’s making you feel warm and cozy this winter – then there could yet be time to plan a June wedding.  But if you’re feeling a bit drafty, then maybe multi-dating should be on your list of New Year’s Resolutions.

Still wondering about whether current boyfriend will end up as future husband?  Then try a free ten minute consultation by visiting www.maliburulesgirl.com.

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