I’ll never cease to be amazed by the violent reaction to The Rules from some quarters (though I long ago stopped caring about it). Yes there’s the tired, old politically correct anti-feminist charge, which more than anything betrays an ignorance of The Rules’ main benefit: protecting women from insincere male predators. The Rules help prevent needless heartache, so women can focus on bigger priorities like negotiating peace treaties, launching IPOs and curing cancer.
Alongside this principled (if misguided) objection, there’s the unseemly spectacle of grown men whining like schoolyard sissies that The Rules encourages women to “play games.” Such men seem so earnest in their demands for authenticity in dating that it’s almost tempting to believe them…until you run across a man who reminds you that we women are complete amateurs when it comes to “game playing,” that MEN are the true gamers and players, and that this is precisely why women who don’t want to waste time or be manipulated need The Rules.
Meet Roissy in DC – a self-styled pick-up artist guru whose mission in life is apparently to help as many men as
possible seduce, control and take advantage of women. Speaking of “Rules,” this guy has “commandments” all his own, including: “make her jealous…flirt with other women in front of her” and “give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you.” Vile and amoral, yet at least he is honest about his agenda – and in so doing makes a case more explicit and eloquent than any I could ever make on WHY WOMEN NEED THE RULES.
In a recent blog, “Anti-Player Counterinsurgency: Game for Women,” Roissy in DC attacked my Huffington Post articles, purporting to tell his followers which tactics they could use to essentially neutralize The Rules. This was annoying, but not as annoying as the alarmist reaction from some of my own Rules Girls who saw his post and started a ruckus of chirping like a bunch of scared chicks, that if we let the world know about The Rules then we are playing into the hands of men like Roissy in DC.
Nonsense! That’s like saying we’re playing into the hands of terrorists by standing up to the terrorists. And men who declare war on women’s self-respect, sanity and individual sovereignty are nothing less than sexual terrorists — and Roissy in DC is their Osama bin Laden.
I have no doubt that many, many women fall victim to the tactics he promotes. These fallen sisters may be sweet, naive, honest, insecure, what have you. One thing they are NOT, are Rules Girls. In fact, if you wanted to be truly Darwinian about it, you’d have to thank Roissy in DC, because not only is he encouraging the truly predatory men to drop their camouflage – thus helping Rules Girls steer clear of such timewasters – he’s actually giving us a clearer playing field with less competition. Think about it: As good-for-now-girls get bogged down in confidence-sucking entanglements with these ultimate Mr. Wrongs, they’re not out there competing for the true, sincere contenders – the potential Mr. Rights.
I do not smile upon the terrible anxiety and ultimate heart-wrenching disappointment these non-Rules Girls will suffer by being duped by such players, but can only hope that when they do hit bottom, when they finally get tired of being taken advantage of, they will seek out a radically different approach to dating, which is The Rules.
Moreover, once they have discovered and truly committed themselves to The Rules, they will never again fall victim to Roissy in DC’s tactics. And guess what? Even if they do succumb, they’ll quickly pick themselves up and move on with a resounding, affirming “Next!” Remember what Sherrie and Ellen say in Rule #30: “Rules girls don’t get hung up on men who reject them…They carry on…They don’t write men letters offering to change to make things work out…They accept it’s over and get on with it. They don’t waste time.”
Thus, The Rules necessarily neutralize any curveball a player tries to throw your way. Doubt me? Then let me take you through each of Roissy in DC’s “anti-player solutions” to demonstrate how truly powerless they are against the woman who consistently and conscientiously does The Rules.
Reproduction is a biological arms race. Did you think women would just lie down as more and more players plunder their goods? Well, yes, they would, but they will also respond with anti-player counterinsurgency tactics, because it is the subconscious algorithm of women to make it as difficult as possible for men to get up their skirts. Reader “Dr Love” pointed me to a couple of Huffington Post articles by “dating and relationship coach” Jag Carrao (only in a nation wheezing its last breaths could a person find a successful career as a dating and relationship coach) where she offers rules for women on how to successfully thwart any game that men run on them.
[[JAG: Note the gratuitous anti-Americanism of “a nation wheezing its last breaths,” although given the direction in which our country’s leaders seem committed to dragging us, perhaps Roissy in DC is right after all. Indeed, if we are nearing a collapse of a culture which, among other things, once provided standards and expectations about courtship, why wouldn’t women turn, in consequent confusion, to another woman offering guidance and help in these murky times? Also, in what kind of nation does a pick-up artist guru find “a successful career”?]]
Roissy in DC: Since we will be seeing more of this sort of thing in the coming years from self-styled “Rules Girls”, and because I am a man of tremendous magnanimity and nobleness of spirit, I’ve decided to get a jump start and give you the tools you’ll need to fend off women’s counterinsurgencies to your game. Call it anti-anti-player game.
In her first article, Jag Carrao suggests ways for women to avoid common female dating mistakes that keep them going back again and again into the arms of badboys and assholes. (In womanspeak, “dating mistake” means anything that helps the man get the bang).
Dating Mistake #1: Approaching Him First.
Quick Fix: If you talked to him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some of the feminine mystique you forfeited as the initiator by being a bit more elusive – a little less available, a little more mysterious.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: Double down. When she waits a day to return your call, you wait two days to return hers. When she cancels a date, you cancel two. Or you cancel an even bigger, better date that she was looking forward to. A player understands that women like to maintain an air of mystery and coyness, but he also understands that the world is full of women. His abundance mentality ensures that no woman remains elusive with him for long.
[[JAG: At least Roissy in DC and I agree on one thing, “the world is full of women.” Fortunately, it is also full of men! Rules girls should stick to the original rule of waiting 24-48 hours to return a man’s call (and that’s ONLY a call that’s specifically asking for a date – “whassup” calls are not returned AT ALL). If a player wants to “double down” and wait twice as long to return that call then guess what? He’s just postponing the amount of time until he gets to see you! For example: he calls Monday afternoon asking to get together. The Rules Girl calls back Tuesday afternoon, and leaves a message. Mr. Player “doubles down” and doesn’t call back until Thursday? Fine: he misses out on the Saturday date, because Rules Girls don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday, and we’re aiming for Saturdays only with true contenders. The end result is essentially mission accomplished: you’ve blocked this player from digging in your sandbox. Let him go run a game on one of those “plenty of other women” – or, if he discovers his true feelings for you, man up and treat you with respect. Otherwise, leave him to prey on weaker specimens while you get out there and look for a stronger one!]]
[[As for Roissy in DC’s advice to men to cancel two dates if a woman cancels one? No problem! A Rules Girl “nexts” a man who cancels the first or second date. If you’re in a month or so and he cancels two dates? Or cancels something you were really looking forward to? NEXT – big time! Again, mission accomplished. It doesn’t matter if the canceling was actual gaming on his part, or just a function of his not being that into you (which are essentially the same thing if you think about it!). Rules protocol automatically protects you from this disappointing timewaster. Believe me, the man who REALLY loves you will never cancel on you – or he’ll be in the hospital (for real, as opposed to being an excuse). Again, Roissy in DC is strangely right: he says his approach ensures a woman “won’t remain elusive for long.” Right, we won’t be elusive, we’ll be completely gone!]]
Dating Mistake #2: Acting overly chummy.
Quick Fix: Recognize that the more you talk about yourself, the less you’ll be listening and observing whether he is right for you. Identify why you feel the need to yammer on — nervousness, low tolerance for awkward silences, desire to impress with witty banter and accomplishments – and remember that you are not there to audition, but to relax and have a good time.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: As any reader of my blog knows by now, seduction is in large part a simple flipping of the male-female mating script. You *want* women to feel like they have to audition for your favor. If she clams up in order to get you to reveal more about yourself, continue framing the conversation in such a way that she is coaxed into dropping important details about herself. This is when the art of qualifying is put to best use.
[[JAG: The Rules aren’t about “clamming up” to get a man to reveal more of himself – they’re about not spilling your guts on the first three dates. They’re about not treating this stranger you essentially just met as your therapist or new best friend. The main benefit is that you don’t overwhelm a man and you maintain his interest by opening the petals of your personality slowly. A side benefit is that by not exhausting yourself trying to entertain him with verbal tap-dancing. you can pick up key information. Like whether he is an out-and-out player. How can you recognize that? Well, fortunately, Roissy in DC gives us the answer in his “short list of effective qualifying questions that will let the girl know you are a choosy man” (read: pathetic insecure misogynist who needs to crib his come on lines from the Internet). If you ever hear a man ask these questions – which Roissy in DC describes as “designed to put her on the defensive” – you know where they came from:
1. Can you cook?
2. Do you give good backrubs?
3. Are you a good kisser?
4. Do you do much traveling?
5. Are you rich?
6. Are you smart?
7. Are you the jealous type?
8. Is there more to you than just your looks?
9. Are you low, medium, or high maintenance?
10. Have you ever given a dollar to a homeless guy when no one else was watching?
If you hear any of these lines, you have a couple of options. A: get up and walk away. B: burst into laughter, and ask him if he learned that from Roissy the dog-trainer. C: Answer, “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Personally I vote for option A, because why would you want to spend one more minute – much less date – a man who follows advice such as: when a woman “has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.”
Besides, if you answer with some sort of Rules-y block, like “Gee, I’ve never really thought about it” or “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” Roissy in DC recommends the following:
“Don’t be afraid to express some disappointment if she doesn’t answer your question in a way that pleases you. Let the disappointment show on your face. Don’t make a huge production out of it; a deflated “oh, i see” or “that’s too bad” will work just fine.”
Please see options A and B above.
Dating Mistake #3: Accepting last minute dates.
Quick Fix: To make sure you’re his “Plan A” girl (not the “Plan B” girl he calls after his first choice turns him down), I recommend setting a firm cut-off limit after which you’re “busy” – period.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: The seasoned player avoids any issues associated with the timing of scheduling dates by taking the girl home the night they meet.
[[JAG: Does this one even need to be addressed? No Rules Girl would go home with a guy she just met that night. This is what I mean about the hidden dividend to the player’s program: While the easy are going home with the sleazy, those women who respect themselves will have less competition for the men who actually have decent intentions.]]
Roissy in DC: Not everyone is a seasoned player, though, so calls and arrangements will have to be made. I don’t have a problem with calling girls a few days ahead to schedule a date, as long as you don’t leave the impression that your schedule is wide open. For example, if it’s a Monday when you call her, and you schedule a date for Thursday, don’t offer another day that same week if she can’t make it happen on Thursday. Just tell her you’ll be in touch and see if you two can get together some other time. Ambivalence makes the heart grow fonder.
[[JAG: Not really. Ardor and enthusiasm makes the heart grow fonder. In fact, intense interest and conscientious attempts to date a woman properly can often overwhelm HER initial ambivalence, as the persistent suitor’s defects seem to magically disappear in her eyes. That’s the benefit of Rule 34: “Love only those who love you”:
“Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you either physically or emotionally, and, of course, any man who can live without you…You have no desire to chase someone who hasn’t noticed you, sought you out, or dialed your number to ask you out.”
And again, if a player wants to not offer another option if the first night he suggests doesn’t work for you, so much the better. Whenever Roissy in DC suggests men respond to Rules-y behavior by pulling back, calling less, seeing a woman less – he’s actually doing us the biggest favor possible!]]
Dating Mistake #4: Jumping into a “whirlwind romance.”
Quick Fix: You need to start pacing the relationship. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, don’t talk more than ten minutes on the phone, don’t open up too fast, or introduce him to your friends before he introduces you to his. If he absolutely must see you every day, 24-hours-a-day, there’s this arrangement called marriage…let him figure it out!
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This one is simple. Three date rule. If she isn’t putting out – or giving clear indications that she’s well on the way to putting out – by the third date, her attraction for you isn’t strong enough for you to invest much more energy or time in her. Or she’s a repressed prude.
[[JAG: A woman who “isn’t putting out” by the third date is “a repressed prude”? Wow. Okay, if The Rules — which are specifically designed to protect women from such sexual objectification — are decried as backwards, what are we to call such blatant contempt for a woman’s choice to say “no” before she’s ready for sexual intimacy? I’m assuming that Roissy in DC and his followers do not have any daughters? If they have little girls, would they encourage them to go home and have sex with men who pick them up at bars?]]
[[Roissy in DC’s anti-anti-player solution on this one is based upon the premise that women are weak, shallow and easily manipulated – and as a result of this prejudice, his advice is dead wrong. Women who wait until exclusivity before becoming intimate are not “repressed” nor do they lack attraction to the man in question. In fact, if they’re Rules Girls the truth is quite possibly just the opposite. It’s only BECAUSE they are sexually liberated with healthy libidos that they’ve slept with enough men on the first or second date to realize that immediate sexual intimacy does not necessarily lead to the emotional intimacy and security they crave. As for attraction, even a Rules Girls might, in a moment of weakness, sleep with a “beta” – as Roissy in DC puts it – right away because she’s just not that interested in him, and doesn’t really care that much if he sticks around or not. But when the man comes along whom she REALLY wants, she’ll get her Rules game on, and summon all her self-control to postpone sex as long as possible – a) because of her strong attraction, this man can hurt her, and b) because she’ll reduce the risk of him falling in-and-out of lust too quickly.]]
Roissy: Either way, the last thing a player wants is a woman who controls the pace of dispensing her sexual favors. If you sense she’s dragging her feet by date three, the best countertactic is to cancel date four. Any plausible excuse will work. Instill the fear of loss into her and watch as her practiced restraint melts away.
Also, any man who wants to see a girl every day, 24-hours-a-day, is not likely to get into any whirlwind romance because women aren’t attracted to clingy betas.
[[JAG: Once again, The Rules ensures proper pest control. Players avoid “the woman who controls the pace of dispensing her sexual favors,” and Rules Girls avoid the man who tries to manipulate them into having sex before they’re ready. Rules Girls do not see a man “every day, 24-hours-a-day” – but unlike Roissy in DC, we understand why so many women do: because it’s immensely flattering and conveys a false sense of emotional connection when a man can’t seem to get enough of you. But we also know the zero-to-sixty romance all too often ends with your heart wrapped around a tree, and the man leaving the scene of the crime. Sure, sometimes it leads to lasting romance, but why take the chance? Pace the relationship.]]
Dating Mistake #5: Wasting Time.
Quick Fix: Know what you want – and believe you deserve it. If you want to get married but the guy you’ve been dating for over a year still isn’t sure, set a time limit of how long you’re willing to wait then stick to it. Once D-Day (decision day) arrives, and he’s still waffling, then move on and do not look back (if he’s ever going to know and man up to a proposal, this will be your best – and his last – chance).
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This is good advice for women (after all, women’s dating market value is much shorter lived than men’s) but it has almost zero chance of being heeded, so the player need not worry too much about neutralizing the marriage ultimatum.
[[JAG: Agreed. Primarily because it would be practically impossible for a man who is following Roissy in DC’s program and a woman who is actually doing The Rules to date for one month, much less the year or so it would take for marriage to become an issue.]]
Roissy in DC: When a woman loves you, and you don’t give her blatant reasons to bolt, the hardest thing in the world for her to do is to walk away from you on account of an abstract principle such as years remaining to sexual expiration. But in the rare case it does happen, remember: Marriage is no insurance against her leaving you; all it does is buy you a few extra years of arid emotional investment from a woman who is calculatingly capable of issuing, and abiding, relationship ultimatums. What ‘is’ an insurance policy against her leaving you? Her love.
[[JAG: Sadly again, also true. Does anyone in their right mind think that doing The Rules is easy? No. It’s really, really hard to do. Which is WHY there are, in fact, so very, very few women out there actually doing them. Which is in turn WHY I think it’s silly for Rules Girls to be worried about men “being onto” The Rules. Ladies, the men who are following Roissy in DC’s program will not only never end up dating a Rules Girl, they will never, in all likelihood, ever end up even meeting a Rules Girl. There’s just that few of us out there. I wish it were different – certainly, if it was, my business would be better – but the only consolation is that the real scarcity of Rules Girls actually drives up our value to men who are looking for something other than an easy lay. Put differently: it’s easy to observe Rule #1 – “Be a creature unlike any other (CUAO)” – when 99.9% of women are easy to get, easy to bed, easy to manipulate, but not easy to be around.]]
Roissy: In Jag Carrao’s second article, she continues the theme of rules for women to avoid becoming a player’s next lover. Leave it to a “dating and relationship coach” to counsel the virtues of anti-pleasure.
1) The “play to lay” game. This is where he pretends to care about you more than he actually does at the beginning in order to get you into bed.
Girl’s Game Changer: In order the separate the man who actually DOES fall in love with you at first sight and CAN go the distance from the players, a woman must pace the relationship. Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider recommend: Don’t see him more than once or twice a week for the first month or two. Don’t invite him back to your place for the first few dates, and try to hold off on sex until you’re confident he’ll stick around. Sure, a guy who’s just looking to get laid won’t put up with such “games from women.” In other words, you’ll weed out those who want only one thing.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: You can keep a woman playing hard-to-get firmly ensconced in your rotation of regulars by making sure you have other options. Never date only one woman at a time. Always keep at least two in the kitty. A woman will find her ability to control you by pacing how frequently she delivers the goods severely compromised when you remain unruffled by her pussy machinations. Again, by flipping the seduction script and playing hard-to-get yourself, you lure the woman into chasing you. The ultimate pleasure for the player is not sex gotten, but sex given. It is especially satisfying to game a woman so well that she chases you into bed, instead of you chasing her.
[[JAG: The Rules aren’t anti-pleasure – they’re anti-pain: the pain of abandonment, regret and humiliation women experience after putting immediate gratification before the long-term pleasure goal of a lifetime of passionate, nightly, satisfying sex with a partner who loves you enough to marry you. Again, there’s really very little likelihood of a collision between a Rules Girl and a player because their goals are so diametrically opposed. The back cover of The Rules book sums up the goal of Rules Girls about as succinctly as could be: “Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.” That seems to be the antithesis of Roissy’s goal for his players, which might be summarized as “Sex, in the shortest time possible, to a girl you like, who likes you even more than you like her.” Questions? ]]
2) The “spontaneity” game. At worst, this is when men try to pass off “booty calls” as spontaneous gestures of missing you and needing you. At best, it’s just laziness, lack of organization, or taking a woman’s time and schedule for granted. Either way, it doesn’t really make a gal feel special or respected when a man calls right before he wants to see her.
Girl’s Game Changer: Ladies, if you would prefer that the men in your lives gave you more advance notice when asking you out, then STOP accepting last minute invitations! Why not just tell him you prefer to be asked out in advance? You know, ‘cuz it’s all about communicating and being honest? BECAUSE IT WON’T WORK and it will only come across as nagging. As I said in my previous blog, I think the “three days in advance” (e.g., Wednesday for Saturday) as proposed in The Rules is reasonable.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: Reframe your booty calls by making her feel that something is wrong with her for not being spontaneous. “I hope you’re an adventurous girl and not lame, because there’s this great sunset right now over the river that you can’t miss. Come join me, I’ve got champagne.” In general, you should refrain from booty calling all the time. She’ll quickly grow weary of them if that’s all she gets from you. Mix it up. A few scheduled dates, a few booty calls. Women love unpredictability.
[[JAG: Actually Roissy in DC is just confirming my point: a booty call is a booty call, no matter how it is “reframed,” as he puts it. But we do thank him for the extra tips on player-spotting: the attempt to make a woman feel “lame” if she doesn’t hop to last minute invitations. Of course, it’s important to turn him down because you “already have plans” (even if those plans involve watching Mad Men before turning in early for some beauty sleep). If you betray annoyance at being booty-called, or supply any reason for turning him down OTHER than a scheduling conflict, you’re playing right into his hands. As always, get off the phone first!]]
3) The “good enough for now” game. This is the fun little merry-go-round in which a man creates the impression that the two of you are in a serious relationship when he’s actually stringing you along, enjoying your sexual favors and home-cooked meals, while actively looking for something better.
Girl’s Game Changer: If you’re seeing him once or twice a week, then make sure one of those dates is international date night: Saturday. Unless one/both of you are working or have family commitments on Saturdays, that’s when he gets to see you. How to get him to ask you out for Saturday? Say no to Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday…you get the idea. Once again, a man who is just marking time with you won’t “put up with such games” from women – which is precisely what we want! Men with lukewarm interest won’t pursue a woman who is even the slightest challenge – but not even teams of wild horses (much less a few pesky Rules) can deter the man who really, really loves you.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: The problem with this advice is that the men women want most — alphas, cads, and assholes — are the least likely to “put up with such games” from women. So the woman who follows this “Girl’s Game Changer” rule will soon find herself missing out on the company of desirable men. Only the very hottest of women can get away with saying no to dates on any night other than Saturday night. And the man who DOES agree to a Saturday night date will, ironically, because of the perception that he had nothing better going on, become LESS attractive to the woman who adheres to such a draconian rule!
And that strikes at the inherent disconnect with a lot of these “Rules Girls” rules — the more successful women are at getting men to play by these rules, the less attractive those men become to them. So it is not only in men’s interest, but in women’s interest as well, for men to refuse to play by women’s rules.
As for the specific rule offered here, a way around it is to train your woman to have low expectations for seeing you on prime pussy hunting nights. Don’t schedule Saturday dates until at least a month has passed, and then only schedule them once or twice a month. When your woman has low expectations, it becomes a challenge to disappoint her.
[[JAG: This advice is completely flawed because its premise is fundamentally wrong. “The men women want most” are “cads and assholes”? Really? That may be true for a minority, but women with high self-esteem and low-tolerance for disrespectful behavior tend to prefer men who are decent, responsible, honest and reliable. Moreover, women who are aware of their ticking biological clock, or who don’t want to “waste the pretty” (as Greg Behrendt puts it), are thinking ahead, and therefore value the smaller commitments today (such as regular Saturday night dates and exclusivity) that will lead to bigger commitments (marriage and family) tomorrow. Are some women irrational – e.g., will they waste time and sacrifice their youthful desirability on the man who cultivates their “low expectations” and leaves them home on “prime pussy hunting nights” because they find this more exciting than the company of a man demonstrating potential at providing longer-term emotional, social and financial security? Yes, some women are that irrational. Most women are not. ]]
4) The “break up to make up” game. Two can certainly play at this game, but when the on-again-off-again routine starts stretching into years vs. months, it’s women who have the most to lose, as time is our most precious, non-renewable resource.
Girl’s Game Changer: This one is so hard. As Greg Behrendt put it in He’s Just Not That Into You:
“What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful, ‘I miss you so much’ voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist you must.”
Usually, when he breaks it off, it’s broken forever. But not always. Sometimes you’ve crowded and scared a guy, and the break up is his way of reasserting his space. So GIVE HIM SPACE. Don’t call him, don’t e-mail him. If he does call and ask to get back together, proceed with caution. He’s proven he can walk away from you once. The defensive dating techniques I recommend can protect your already bruised heart from getting brutalized once more.
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: None needed. This “rule” works to the benefit of the player. Half-assed breakups initiated by the man are a great way to spice up a sex life. You will never plunge into a wetter, wider pussy than the week after you’ve quasi-broken up with a girl and called her out of the blue to get together for drinks. It’s mean, but oh sweet jesus is it effective.
[[JAG: Wow. What a finale. Roissy in DC is actually encouraging men to break up with their girlfriends to “spice up” their sex lives? A kind, devoted, faithful woman’s crushed heart is not even worth noting – as long as it yields “wetter, wider pussy”??? ]]
[[In addition to being evil, Roissy in DC must also be delusional if he thinks my advice on handling male-initiated break-ups could possibly “work to the benefit of the player.” As stated above, when a man breaks up with you, you should resist taking him back. If you don’t, then as I said, “proceed with caution” and deploy “defensive dating techniques” – which does NOT mean sleeping with him the night after he’s “called…out of the blue to get together” or a week “after [he’s] quasi-broken up with you.” If you reunite with a man after he’s asked for “space” or whatever, he doesn’t get to jump into bed with you after calling for drinks – he goes back to square one. The relationship starts over as if you were dating again for the first time.]]
There is another common game men play – it’s actually a word game, where they pretend they have never heard of and certainly cannot pronounce such words as “marriage,” “commitment” and “children.” Deftly winning this game requires delicate skill, and deserves an entire blog on the subject. So tune in next time for “Engaged by Christmas.”
Roissy Anti-Anti-Player Solution: This is because after marriage, women have a hard time pronouncing such words as “blowjob”, “ass to mouth”, and “train station bathroom tug job”.
[[JAG: Wrong again. If a man doesn’t want to marry you, it isn’t because he’s concerned about the possible deleterious effects on your shared sex life. It’s either because he just isn’t that in love with you (possibly because you initiated the relationship, were always the one in the driver’s seat, moving it along), OR if he does really love you, his marriage-phobia is because he is taking you for granted, doesn’t believe you could walk away from him in a million (unmarried) years, and sees no marginal benefit to tying the knot.]]
[[There’s no way to “make” a man who doesn’t really love you want to marry you – your best bet is to cut your losses and find someone who can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you. But if he does love you, but simply isn’t sharing your sense of urgency about making your commitment official (and this is a situation I find with many of my clients) then I usually recommend planning for the “where is this going” talk a month or two out, and meanwhile being as sweet and light and breezy as possible, even as you cut back on time (phone & date) spent with him, and shake things up by going out more with girlfriends, canceling the occasional date, and even taking a trip without him. It’s in the time he spends AWAY from you – not the time he spends WITH you – that a man discovers the true depths of his feelings, and often miraculously comes up with a plan all on his own]].