DON’T BE LIKE KATE! HE FORGETS YOU? FORGET HIM!

No one could be more unforgettably gorgeous and stylish than starlet Kate Hudson – so why do her boyfriends keep forgetting about her?  Most recently, Hudson endured the indignity of being turned away from a VIP area because boyfriend Matt Bellamy – lead singer of Muse – “forgot” to put her name on the guest list.

A man who really likes a woman will not forget about her – will not forget to call when he said he would, will not forget he had a date with her, will not forget to put her name on a list, will not forget it’s Valentine’s Day, will not forget her birthday, will not forget her number…he will not forget!  But the man who’s not that into you?  He’ll forget – a clear red flag, and one once waved should be your signal to forget about him.  Cross him off your list.  Let him go.  Don’t agonize. In a word: Next!

Unfortunately, the 31-year-old actress has seemed to make something of a second career in ignoring such signals, falling fast and hard for her men, which in turn makes them take her for granted and feel suffocated by her.  The result: a string of very brief and bumpy flings.  And the pattern seems to be spiralling out of control, leading to increased public embarrassment, and certainly private heartache.

After a six year marriage to Chris Robinson (singer for The Black Crowes), she began an on-again-off-again relationship with Owen Wilson (one of the break-ups preceded his suicide attempt).  She moved on to date comedian Dax Shepard for a few months.  A summer romance with Lance Armstrong ended sadly when he dumped her.  Despite claiming she wanted to be single for as long as possible in December of ’08, she rushed headlong and hot and heavy into a relationship with NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez, which he ended after six months.

So, now she’s dating Bellamy, and if past is prologue, that will last for another few weeks or couple of months and then he’ll “need his space.”  Hudson could save herself precious time – and emotional tranquility – by reading the writing on the wall, or better yet, reading The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.   She could start right now, either practicing on Bellamy, or the next man who will surely be around the corner, with the following.

• Not acting like a groupie by flying around the globe to see his shows (she should let him come to her).
• Not flying off to meet his kids after only one date, as she did with Lance Armstrong.
• Not saying “I love you first” like she reportedly did with Lance Armstrong (kiss of death).
• Not moving in with men, as she did after dating Chris Robinson for just four days.
• Not inviting men you’re dating on a vacation – certainly not with your extended family – as she did with Dax Shepard, after dating only a couple weeks!

Fortunately, Kate’s got a full life, a wonderful son, a thriving career and a loving family – she should concentrate on being happy, busy, independent, and not so focused on the men in her life. Above all, she should stop chasing men – let them chase her until she catches them for good!

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SO…NOW I’M COACHING MEN! REALLY!

There have been many surprises since I became a Rules Dating Coach. I’ve been pleasantly shocked by just how powerful these techniques are – enabling me to help many lovelorn clients prompt a proposal from the men in their lives in a matter of weeks! Also surprising has been the hostility of some male readers to the simple advice I give women who are simply looking for a way to date with more self-esteem, and avoid needless heartache. Given that sometime hostility, the absolute BIGGEST surprise of all has been the number of straight, hetero men seeking out my coaching advice on how better to meet and date the woman of their dreams!

When I first started getting these requests for relationship coaching from men, I carefully explained that a) I coach women (not men), and b) I coach women in a very specific Rules-approach to dating. Moreover, this approach is premised upon the differences between men and women, and I focus on the feminine side of the equation. I refer the men to my blog, where all of this is spelled out in black and white (or at least fuchsia and lavender). Well, despite all this dissuading (or because of it? After all, that would be The Rules!) when my first male coaching client insisted that I give him a chance, I capitulated and signed him up for a monthly unlimited package.

The result of this experiment was yet another pleasant surprise: Despite my initial misgivings, I was thrilled by how much progress I was able to make with my newbie male client. Among our achievements: totally overhauling his OLD (online dating profile), creating a simplified e-mail “template” he could personalize and send out to prospects, role-playing lighter conversation for initial phone contacts and DZs (date zeroes), etc.

The other surprise, is that while The Rules is aimed at women – and based on the innate differences between the genders – there are a few rules that can benefit both men and women. Here are three that I feel have the most crossover application:

Rule #1: While “being a creature unlike any other” is unlikely to resonate with most men, the basic message of looking one’s best is something they really do need to hear. Men are more likely than women to discount their own looks as a factor in attracting the opposite sex, and specifically are more likely to overlook problems with excess weight. The difference is that the men I’ve coached are actually more sensitive than women about receiving advice on how to improve their appearance. I pull no punches with my female clients, telling them to do whatever they can to be as attractive as possible – lose weight, get highlights, extensions, implants, teeth-whitening, you name it! My male clients have much more fragile egos!

Rule #19: Don’t Open Up Too Fast. While men are much less likely to commit this error, there is a breed of guys who are unusually in touch with their feelings, and willing on a first or second date to share emotional intimacies about previous relationships, the details of their upbringing, or even the kind of woman they are looking for. While some male candor can be particularly appealing to women, sharing too much too soon can be a turnoff, regardless of your gender. Moreover, I tell men if they are doing too much of the talking – perhaps out of nervousness – they’re not doing much listening, and again, this is as true for men as for women.

Rule #30: Next! And Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection.  I am perfectly comfortable with the generalization that on the whole women tend to be more sensitive in relationships than are men. I don’t remember if it was either Sherrie Schneider or Ellen Fein (the two co-authors of The Rules) who once observed to me that “men recover quickly.” And in general, I absolutely agree that men recover from rejection more quickly than do women. But at the same time, there is a sensitivity spectrum for both genders – and just as there are some women who have such thick skins that they have less need for The Rules, there are also some men who have such relatively thin skins that they could probably benefit from those aspects of The Rules that focus on cultivating resilience. Chief among these is the importance of not getting so thrown by rejection – whether it’s the minor rejection of a woman not responding to your e-mail or a major rejection of a girlfriend breaking up with you – that your feelings of resentment begin to poison your perspective on romance in general.

I’m not sure whether I’ll continue this adventure in coaching men, but I do know that I’ve learned from, as well as helped, my male clients — and that in turn helps me be a better coach for my Rules Girls clients.

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YOU LIKE HIM? DON’T TEXT HIM!

Plenty of women would prefer a phone call over a text from guys they’re dating – yet they don’t realize a very simple method exists to getting less texts and more calls:  Don’t text him back.

I know, I know, such a suggestion will strike many as foolish or even insane in our text-addicted society, yet it really all goes back to incentives and human behavior.  What we reward, we get more of.  When you respond to texts you wish were phone calls, guess what you’ll get?  More texts.  Less calls.

You’ll also get more time wasters, and less serious contenders in your dating pool.  Why?  Because not texting men back is the ULTIMATE means of separating those who are really into you from those who are kinda, sorta, maybe-if-it’s-easy interested in you, at least until something better comes along.

Think about it.  If a guy who’s REALLY smitten with you texts you and doesn’t get a text back, what will happen?  He will pick up the phone and call.  It’s the same with you.  Let’s say you texted a colleague to confirm a sales meeting you were supposed to attend.  If you didn’t hear back, you wouldn’t just shrug it off and forget about it.  If it was important to you to get to the meeting to make your pitch, you’d call until you nailed things down.  Conversely, let’s say the meeting wasn’t that important, or it conflicted with another, better lead – sure, then maybe you’d let it go.

Same thing with dating.  The guy who truly wants to see you, may text initially, but if he doesn’t hear back, he’ll call.  Many women fear that if they don’t text back, they’ll lose a guy.  And, YES, you will shake off those with lukewarm interest in you, which is a very productive and time-efficient thing to do: You’ve avoided wasting time on and possibly getting hurt by Mr. Maybe.

Too many women think not texting back invites dating mishaps and disasters – but it actually PREVENTS such.  Example: An ex-boyfriend of mine, kind of on-again-off-again, was trying to get things “on again” with me, and had set up a dinner date with me by e-mail.  The day of the date, he texted me to confirm.  I didn’t text back.  The date didn’t happen.  Disaster – or disaster avoided?  Definitely the latter!  His lack of interest was WHY our relationship was always so difficult — or to use the common euphemism, “complicated.”  But finally, with non-texting, I was able to put an end to the whole stupid time-wasting nonsense.  It’s really, REALLY, not that complicated.

On the other hand, if he’s strongly attracted to you, he’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, make excuses for you – as in “Oh, she’s not a texter” or “Maybe she didn’t get my text.”  Indeed, as I’ve seen time and time again in my practice as a dating coach, if a contender is already starting out with a high level of interest in you, not texting back will pique – not dilute – that interest.

This is why the authors of The Rules, Ellen & Sherrie Schneider, encourage women to avoid texting.  They rightly point out that if you’re texting back and forth, you’re way too available.  There’s no mystery, no distance for him to pursue, if all he has to do it punch a keypad for you to respond.

That said, I know that for many even extremely practiced and disciplined Rules Girls, the “no texting” rule can be one of the most challenging to follow.   I hear the complaint all the time: “But we live in a texting world.  Everyone texts.”

But the fact that everyone – every girl, to be precise – does text is, perhaps, the strongest case for why YOU should not.  After all, Rule #1 is all about “Being a Creature Unlike Any Other.”  If every other creature out there is texting – and sexting – on a constant basis, what a simple, elegant way for you to separate yourself from the competition.  Take it to the bank, girls: If he really likes you, he WILL call you.  No exceptions.

Still having trouble resisting the lure of texting? Sign up for a free 10-minute consult at maliburulesgirl.com.

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Awakening Your Seductive Power Workshop

Register online at Malibu Rules Girl.

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Megan Fox’s TMI: Why Blabbermouth Beauties Need The Rules

On some level, Megan Fox knows she has a problem.  “I don’t want to have people get completely sick of me before I’ve ever even done something legitimate,” she recently conceded.  Yet this awareness isn’t enough to restrain her ongoing, seemingly compulsive need to divulge personal details – her previous relationship with a stripper, her bisexuality, her libido, drug usage, her “self-loathing” and other psychological issues:

“I am very vulnerable. But I can be aggressive, hurtful, domineering and selfish, too. I’m emotionally unpredictable and all over the place. I’m a control freak.”

While Megan Fox’s TMI has provoked a backlash – even a boycott, from some outlets – it sparked my attention, as such overly-intimate sharing is a self-defeating trap that too many women fall into.  Indeed, as a dating coach, I find that it’s one of the most common mistakes women make in early dating – acting overly chummy, trying to create emotional bonds by prematurely and inappropriately revealing personal information with complete strangers.  In Megan’s case – the strangers are interviewers and her public – but many other women make similar mistakes by opening up too fast and too soon with men they’ve only just met.

Fortunately, for Megan – and other women who are struggling with boundaries – there’s a fairly easy fix.  Zip it!  Don’t feel the need to respond to every question.  Don’t accept every request for an interview (or date).  Remember that silence and a smile is also an answer.  I believe that words are like currency.  When you flood the market with the currency of your conversation, you’ll ultimately devalue the meaning of what is expressed.

Sherrie Schneider & Ellen Fein address this in The Rules – specifically, Rule #19 (“Don’t Open Up Too Fast”) & #20 (“Be Honest but Mysterious”).  Though aimed at advising women on how to act on the first few dates with a new man, such advice – e.g. “Don’t plague him with your neuroses!!!” – certainly applies to handling nosy reporters, as well!

Whether she likes it or not, Megan Fox is cultivating a relationship with the public when she talks to reporters.  “There are many ways to kill a relationship,” say Schneider and Fein. “Getting heavy and examining everything is certainly one of them.  Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, bringing up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem – all in an attempt to bond with this new man.  This is deadly and boring.”

Megan Fox’s disclosures about her insecurities and sexual proclivities may – or may not – be “deadly and boring,” but they certainly won’t help her cultivate a mystique of class that other celebrities like Angelina Jolie, have mastered.  How ironic, then, that Fox is often compared to Jolie.  Yet Jolie herself took a TMI public persona and transformed herself into a CUAO (creature unlike any other) through a combo of good works and a “no comment” default mode to personal prying. So let’s hope Fox takes a page from Jolie’s playbook, by saying less and doing more.

A more elusive approach might even have side benefits for Fox’s six-year on-again-off-again relationship with Brian Green. Too many women — not just celebrities — believe that cathartic conversations about the “relationship” will lend to a breakthrough while more often it prompts a break-up.  I recently counseled one of my clients struggling with a tumultuous two-year relationship to avoid all heavy conversation, shorten phone calls and stop returning calls. Five weeks after we began her “Reticence Campaign” her boyfriend finally found his voice and popped the question. Their wedding is planned for Thanksgiving.

Learn how you can turn a less loquacious approach to your advantage by attending my upcoming March 18th workshop in Malibu or sign up for a free introductory consultation.

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ANTI-AGING PERFUME

Since ancient times, women have used scent to enhance their seductive allure, but now modern science is making the connection between olfactory stimuli and male perception and desire. Dr. Alan Hirsch, of Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, has found that certain scents can actually take years off a woman’s age in the eyes (and nose) of the male beholder.

He asked male volunteers to estimate the age of different women while wearing nose-masks infused with various scents.  “In the presence of the smell of pink grapefruit women appear to be six years younger than their real age,” says Hirsch. Curiously enough, women inhaling the citrusy-scent were immune to its perception-bending powers.

As a dating coach I stress the importance not just of looking one’s best, but also smelling one’s best. Adding pink grapefruit scents — perfume, body wash, lotion, candles — can be an easy and relatively inexpensive way to enhance your anti-aging arsenal.  For products with strong pink grapefruit notes I recommend Philosophy’s Soulmates body wash, Dolce & Gabbana’s Rose The One, Williams-Sonoma Pink Grapefruit Essential Oils Collection, and Clinique’s Happy perfume.

If you’re not interested in looking younger, what about slimmer? The same Dr. Hirsch waved different scents under the noses of nearly 200 men asking them to estimate women’s weight. The aromas ranged from citrus-floral (think Eau de Givenchy or Dior’s Poison) to lily of the valley (think DK’s Cashmere mist — or back to childhood: Muguet) to floral-spice (think Michael Kors or Bulgari). The result: The floral-spice scent took 12 pounds off a women’s weight in the eyes of the male testers! Other great options for that slimming floral-spice scent includes Marc Jacob, Giorgio, Armani’s Mania and Calvin Klein’s Eternity.

Of course, perfume can’t replace diet and exercise when it comes to rejuvenation — but after a delicious, indulgent holiday season, us gals can use all the help we can get, don’t you think?

If you’re wondering whether your scent needs a makeover or you simply need some help on the dating front, sign up for a free 10-minute consultation at www.maliburulesgirl.com.

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MORE LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES (Part Two)

In last week’s blog, I focused on the five most common dating myths that mire women in romantic ruts. I was not prepared for the outpouring of women – literally from around the world – who contacted me, sheepishly admitting that they’d been falling for one or more of these self-delusions:

1)  He’s “intimidated” by you.
2)  Women love men who treat them like crap.
3)  It’s only what’s on the inside that counts.
4)  He’s teasing you because he likes you.
5)  It doesn’t matter what night he asks you out – only THAT he asks you out.

Inspired by all the women who are clearly ready to start a New Year by ditching self-sabotaging deceptions, I’ve decided to offer five more myths which could be trapping you in old, unhealthy relationship patterns.

6) The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Yes, I’m talking to you, lady with the spatula, baking Christmas cookies for the doctor you have a crush on – and you, foodie-girl, planning to prepare a gourmet holiday dinner for your boyfriend and his pals. The myth is believing that demonstrating your culinary skills will give him yet one MORE incentive to date or marry you, but in fact it may backfire. A man you’d like to date may savor every crumb of your amazing rugelach, but he’ll also know you like him, think you’re trying too hard, see you as less of a challenge, and thus unconsciously downgrade your dating market value. Men you’re already dating will again, certainly appreciate the five course meal you’ve slaved over, but he will probably also feel a little entrapped by such wannabe-wifey-behavior, and may even take you for granted.

7) He’s afraid of his feelings. Okay, this is right up there with myth #1, above, in its ubiquity. Every time I hear one of my new clients trying to explain away a guy’s emotional distance or ambivalence toward commitment in terms of “issues” he’s still working out from his childhood, his last marriage, etc. it sets off serious alarm bells. I’ve seen women play therapist for years with men who were supposedly “afraid to fall in love” only to have Mr. Fraidy-Cat dump them unceremoniously after suddenly finding his courage to love and, wow, get engaged to someone else in a matter of months, not years. The best case scenario is that he may indeed be in love with you, but you’re preventing him from discovering his true feelings on his own by crowding him with relationship talk and spending too much time with him.

8)  Going on trips together will bring you closer as a couple. Wrong. I’ve talked to so many women who went on these amazing week-long (or longer) trips with a man to Europe, the Caribbean, Hawaii, etc. – thinking that the new levels of emotional and physical intimacy they’ve reached will translate into a more secure relationship – only to have the guy call it quits within days of returning home. As Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein, authors of The Rules, observe: “Trips make men go backwards.” All of a sudden they think they’re locked into a marriage track, have doubts, and bolt. Better to have him go on the trip alone, think about you, wonder about you, miss you, and think, “Gee, this would be a good place for a honeymoon.”

9) Mind-blowing sex will make him want to marry you. I’m not talking here about the woman who’s enjoying joyful adventurous sex simply for her pleasure – but the gal who’s investing loads of energy into learning tantric techniques, taking him on trips to the sex-toys shop, priding herself on sexual acrobatics worthy of Zumanity, and putting on an exaggerated verbal performance of how great it all is, hoping to get him so hooked on her sexual charms that he’ll never want to leave. Then he does. You want a man to fall in love with your whole being – not just your body. Also you don’t want to be the one doing most of the work, either in bed, or in the relationship in general. Not only will trying too hard create imbalance in the relationship, it can also prevent you from relaxing and enjoying this aspect of your love.

10) Love conquers all. Like #3 above, this myth harbors a profound truth: the bond you share with your beloved will help you weather hardships, overcome obstacles and rise above petty differences. But despite its power, love is not a magic wand that can make serious problems, like drug/alcohol dependency, abusive tendencies, or womanizing disappear. Moreover, if you’re counting on “love” to change your man – for example, make him more ambitious, or more generous – you’re setting the stage for disappointment and frustration on both sides, because men never really change.

If you’ve been deluding yourself with one or more of the above myths take heart – you’re in good company! Paradoxically, I sometimes find that the smarter women are, the more likely they are to succumb to such delusions, maybe because they have a tendency to over-think relationships, or believe they can “make” things happen in love the same way they do in their careers. Fortunately, recognizing patterns of self-deception is a big step towards breaking them. Need more help? Take advantage of my free ten-minute mini-consult by visiting www.malilburulesgirl.com.

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10 LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES (Part One)

The dating deception single women invariably confront range from the annoying (online photos that turn out to be a decade old), to the aggravating (“I’ll call you”), to the agonizing (“Oh, her? Just a friend”). But usually we don’t remain in the dark forever – one way or another, the truth will out. Far more insidious, however, are the lies we women tell ourselves.  These myths may feel comfy, but by insulating us from sometimes unpleasant realities, they undermine our ability to make rational decisions based on complete information, thus sabotaging our long-term romantic goals.

In my practice as a Rules dating coach, here are the most common dating myths women fall for:

1)  He’s intimidated by you. I hear this one all the time.  What’s even more mortifying is I used to fall for it myself. Women with lots going for them – attractive professionals with their act pulled together – will tell themselves that the reason the object of their affection isn’t responding to their flirtation is because he’s just overawed by their credentials, looks, or financial

standing.  Ladies, it just isn’t true.  Wish it was true – so much more palatable than “he’s just not that into you.”   And yes, there are plenty of mousy guys out there.  But even the mousiest specimen will discover his inner manly man when he sees a woman he wants to be with.  Let go of the fantasy relationships to open yourself up to a real one.

2) Women love men who treat them like crap. I recently came across a heinous example of this sort of misogynistic claptrap in a blog by a self-styled pick-up artist guru – Roissy in DC – claiming: “The men women want most” are “cads and ***holes.”  That may be true for a minority, but women with high self-esteem find adoring, persistent and respectful attention an incredible turn-on.  Such women instinctively avoid wasting time on men who cultivate “low expectations,” as Roissy recommends. That’s the benefit of The Rules mantra: “Love only those who love you.”

“Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you …You have no desire to chase someone who hasn’t noticed you, sought you out, or dialed your number to ask you out.”

3)  It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Before you have a heart attack, let me emphasize that it IS what’s on the inside – your essence, your spirit, your intellect – that a man falls in love with, and that is all important when it comes to building a relationship and sustaining it over the long run, especially during hard times.  But unfortunately, this “truth” can become a myth, when we use it to dismiss the importance of looking our best when it comes to attracting men.  In addition to diet and exercise, this includes making an extra effort to look pulled together, feminine and sexy.  If you have a favorite feature, show it off!  Your long legs, dazzling décolletage, or silky tousled hair may be the lure that leads him to contemplate and fall in love with your amazing personality.

4)  He’s teasing you because he likes you.  We’ve been fed this line ever since we came home crying about Johnny’s spitballs in 3^rd grade.  While it may have been true for young boys, still developing emotionally and sexually, a grown man who tries to put you off balance with verbal sparring on the first few dates doesn’t really care that much about you – or is playing games, which, in my book, amount to the same thing.  Again, the players’ guru, Roissy, explicitly encourages men to ask a date questions “designed to put her on the defensive,” such as “Are you a good kisser?” or “Are you rich?”  I’ve detailed your options for dealing with such questions elsewhere, but suffice it to say here that a man who really likes you will NOT risk offending you, and thus spoiling his chances of sleeping with you, by playing such games.

5) It doesn’t matter what night he wants to see you — Thursday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, whatever  – only THAT he wants to see you. You may want to believe it’s not important whether he asks you for Saturday or not – but he knows the importance, believe me.  Remember the Beach Boys’ lyric?  “None of the guys go steady, ‘cuz it wouldn’t be right to leave your best girl home on a Saturday night.”  On the other end of the spectrum, Roissy tells men to “train women to have low expectations for seeing you on prime [EXPLETIVE] hunting nights.”  If he’s not seeing you on Saturday, he’s seeing someone else – or looking for someone he WOULD want to see on Saturdays, and every other day, in perpetuity.

If you think you may be falling for one or more of these myths – but aren’t sure about whether it applies to your specific situation, then sign up for a free 10-minute consultation at www.maliburulesgirl.com.  Next week I’ll fill you in on the next five lies women tell themselves in dating, so you can break out of self-destructive delusions to realize your highest romantic goals.

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Holiday Dating Do’s and Don’ts

Other than staking out her territory under the mistletoe, what can the single woman do to leverage the holidays to her advantage?  There’s plenty of tactics she can employ to advance (or at least not sabotage!) her romantic goals – whether her aim is simply to meet someone new or have her current relationship evolve toward something more permanent.  Here are a few Rules-based tips that can help women honor themselves, attract the opposite sex, and keep sane through the holidays:

DO take advantage of the seasonal color scheme to wear more red.  It worked for Santa, and it will work for you too.  Research shows men may be more attracted to women in red. Several articles published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women wearing red were rated more sexually desirable than those wearing “cooler” hues like green or brown. Whether it’s socially conditioned or an evolved biological cue, the upshot is that donning scarlet could help you heat things up. And while you’re wearing your holiday brights, make sure you…

DON’T give into holiday blues. Impending Christmas and New Year’s can make even the most self-reliant single girl feel lonely and bereft as she bemoans the gulf between her current lot and her dreams of being in a committed relationship. The holiday season can also be tense for women with boyfriends – particularly when their hopes for the future are being obscured by his ambivalence or excuses.  Keep busy, engage your mind, exercise your body and pamper your senses to avoid wallowing in or obsessing about what’s lacking in your life right now.  Then…

DO start thinking about New Year’s Resolutions that can help you meet your romantic goals. For example, if you’re tired of being single, maybe it’s time for you to finally start online dating — or if you’re on one site, join one or two more (it’s a numbers game, and in order to be selective you need to expand your pool of potential candidates). Maybe you need to tweak – or makeover – your online profile so it’s less wordy and heavy, more breezy and open. One of my clients just doubled the number of e-mails she was receiving, simply by changing her screen name, updating her photos, and editing her profile so it reflected her fun-loving, not-so-serious side. But…

DON’T check your online dating account over the holidays. As I tell the women I coach, try to set parameters around when you sign into your accounts. I usually suggest you confine checking to daytime hours on weekdays. Not only is it unhealthy to be compulsively checking your account at all hours of the day, many services indicate when members are online. You don’t need to broadcast to potential dates that you’re home alone on a Saturday night – or a Christmas Eve. Instead of lurking online…

DO hit the holiday party circuit, looking gorgeous and smiling at the universe. If you’re single these events can help you circulate in a social setting where men can find you. And if you’re attached, but feel your significant other may be taking you for granted then stop sitting home by the phone.  Enjoying your life to the fullest – and keeping busy with family, friends, work, and social engagements – reminds him you are an independent woman whose life does not revolve around him.

DON’T pick him up at the airport. Especially if he hasn’t asked you to! Don’t be the schlepping wife-wannabe. Be his Dreamgirl. Let him arrange for his own transportation. Instead of waiting in traffic, circling the terminal, and showing up as a frazzled mess – go get a mani/pedi, blowout, etc. It may seem counter-intuitive, but acting like a wife – the home-cooked meals, the chauffeur service, the decorating his apartment – will not make him want to marry you. If anything, it will push him further away. AND you’ll end up feeling resentful when your generosity isn’t reciprocated with commitment and appreciation.

DO your own thing during the holidays, instead of relying on the guy you’re dating to make all the plans (and include you in them). If he hasn’t suggested spending the holidays together then make your own arrangements. This includes New Year’s Eve! Introduce him to your friends and family ONLY AFTER he has introduced you to his. If he feels you’re more serious about the relationship than he is, or that you’re moving faster than he wants to then he may start having doubts and possibly pull away, leaving you vulnerable and hurt.

DON’T buy him lavish gifts. By “lavish” I don’t necessarily mean expensive. One client – okay, alright, it was me! – tried to impress a beau by creating a handmade card by cutting out little phrases and pet names from magazines, then gluing them onto construction paper. At the time this seemed like a good idea, though in retrospect it’s mortifyingly psycho – an impression obviously shared by the object of my attention, since he dumped me right after the holidays! Men get overwhelmed when women go overboard in the gift department. They may be flattered. They may be psyched – as in, “Wow!  A 58” Plasma HDTV?!?!”  But they will also see your extremely generous gift as a symbol of your intense love – which they no longer have to win – and possibly, a reflection of your high expectations in return, which they may start wondering whether they can (or want) to fulfill. Another common dating mistake:  buying presents for his mother, sister, secretary, etc. thinking this will help build a pro-marry-you coalition of sympathetic females. If you’re just bursting with the giving spirit this season, then…

DO volunteer. Of course this is a year-round “do,” but the holidays often present additional opportunities to volunteer, which in addition to benefiting others, can benefit your love life as well. How? Aside from the immediate benefit of putting you in the flow of meeting men who share your charitable interests, volunteering will help refresh your perspective on what’s important in life, and renewing your sense of gratitude for the blessings in your life. Both can help keep bitterness at bay – thus not only making the dating slog more bearable, but also enhancing that all-alluring aphrodisiac: inner-contentment and joy.

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ENGAGED BY CHRISTMAS

What does the girl who’s been happily dating her boyfriend for several months really want for Christmas this year?

An engagement ring.

Christmas music and movies have helped stoke seasonal-hopes for happy endings.  Think of the lovers who “face unafraid, the plans that [they] made, while walking in a Winter Wonderland.”  Or Miracle on 34th Street, in which Santa helps shepherd a couple to marriage plans over the holidays.

That isn’t to suggest that such aspirations for a Christmas or Hanukkah or New Year’s engagement are culturally contrived.  To the contrary, NOTHING could be more natural than for a woman in love with hopes for marriage and possibly children to wish to see her dreams reciprocated during a season centering around family, tradition, and reflections on the year behind and that ahead.

I’m not talking about a movie timeline, like the one referenced above, where Maureen O’Hara meets her handsome neighbor on Thanksgiving and he pops the question on Christmas Day.  I’m talking about the couple that’s been happily dating for at least nine months, that is in an exclusive relationship, in which the man has unambiguously declared his love, and at least hinted at his intentions for the future.

The weeks and months leading up to engagement may sound like an ideal, shining time for a woman – and in many ways it is: you’ve moved beyond the awkwardness of early dating to greater intimacy, security and trust.  But as I can attest from my coaching practice, it can also be an incredibly nerve-wracking time as well!  You’re doing your darnedest to practice patience, keep things light and focus on the present, and yet all these feelings of doubt, ambivalence and even resentment keep bubbling up – particularly if you’ve been dating for over a year, or even years, plural!

Why?  Well, because something is awry in the balance of your relationship.  Your boyfriend – whom you dearly love – appears to be getting most, if not all, of his needs met.  He’s got a lover, a committed girlfriend, and possibly even a faux-wife if you’ve fallen into the error of acting like you were married – e.g. cooking for him, spending too much time with him, letting him see you whenever he wants, keeping clothes at his place, etc.  In fact, he might be happy with this arrangement for years.  I mean, why not?

But what about you?  Are you getting all of your needs yet?  My hunch is “no,” otherwise you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog.  Maybe you’d like to have children one day – and if he’s not going to end up being the father, you might want to make other plans.  Maybe you’re thinking of a career switch or geographic move, and don’t want to keep putting your life on hold while he makes up his mind.  Or maybe you’re just tired of seeing all your friends getting engaged and married around you – and wondering why your boyfriend seems assiduously dedicated to not noticing the trend.

So what can you do?  Here are few pointers:

1) Check your timing. When it comes to fumbling your part of the engagement process, the mistakes women make fall into one of two categories.  They either bring up marriage too early (in the first few months of dating) – scaring men away — or let the issue slide for years as their frustration and despair grows.  In a recent seminar in London, The Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider told their audience that it’s okay to ask where things are going about seven months into the relationship.  In the “ideal” Rules timeline, he proposes after nine months.  Certainly by a year you should know whether he plans to marry you or not.

2) Inventory the relationship. Who initiated the relationship?  If you met on-line, did you respond to his ad – or vice versa?  Who’s done most of the contacting?  Has he said he loved you, and asked for exclusivity?    Obviously not all relationships are headed toward marriage – however long they may have lasted.  But if he was the pursuer, and you’ve done him the honor of letting him retain that role throughout the courtship, then your odds of engagement are vastly better than if you picked him up, called him, asked him out, etc.

3) Stop making excuses for him – as in “he’s still scarred by his first marriage,” or “he’s under too much pressure at work,” or he can’t commit because of childhood trauma, and other such mind games.   Also, don’t let him snooker you into pretending that marriage isn’t important or doesn’t matter IF it IS important to YOU and DOES matter to YOU.  In He’s Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo argue that “Love cures commitment-phobia”:

“Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage or has ‘issues’ with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married.  It will just never be with you.  Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married.  He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.”

Harsh – but liberating truth – which, the sooner you accept, the sooner you’ll be able to move out from under the dead weight of a potentially going-nowhere relationship so that your real future husband can find you!

4) Scale back on togetherness. Of course you want to be with him day in and day out – that’s why you want to get married!  But if you’re with him all or even most of the time, you’ve robbed him of any incentive to move things forward.  Ellen and Sherrie say it best in The Rules II:

“In general, the way to get a man to ask you to marry him in a reasonable amount of time is not to live with him before you’re engaged or married and to continue to see him only three times a week, even though by this time you want to be inseparable.  If that doesn’t work, you may have to shake things up a little bit – go away for a weekend with a girlfriend, cancel a Saturday night date, get very busy at work, mention that you are renewing your apartment lease, and be mysterious about your activities.  All of the above should make him anxious to propose.”

5) Set some internal deadlines. How long do you want to date your boyfriend without being engaged?  While I mention that he should know where this is going after a year, maybe you’re not marriage-minded yet – or are still reeling from a divorce.  Once you HAVE decided that you want to marry him, set in mind a month when you’d like to aim for resolution.  At that point it’s perfectly okay for you to ask him his intentions.  He doesn’t need to respond with a proposal – but if you don’t get a clear sense that he’s either planning something or seriously thinking in that direction, you need to be prepared to walk.

Even if you’re in the somewhat early stages of dating – nowhere near where you should be talking about marriage – the holidays DO provide an ideal time to look for signs of whether the man you’re seeing is serious about you.  Does he give you a romantic – or practical gift?  The man who gives you inexpensive lingerie from T.J. Maxx is more likely to end up proposing than the one who gives you an expensive cashmere scarf from Loro Piana.  Does make plans in advance for New Year’s Eve?  Does he include you in family gatherings?  Does he talk about what you’ll be doing “next year”?  Does he want to be with you, even when you’ve come down with the seasonal flu?  If he’s making you feel warm and cozy this winter – then there could yet be time to plan a June wedding.  But if you’re feeling a bit drafty, then maybe multi-dating should be on your list of New Year’s Resolutions.

Still wondering about whether current boyfriend will end up as future husband?  Then try a free ten minute consultation by visiting www.maliburulesgirl.com.

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